Suicide awareness day...

Tomorrow, september 10th, is suicide awareness day.

For me and all of the other people who have struggled with thoughts of suicide, say a prayer tomorrow. Wear yellow. And write love on your wrist.

It could save someone's life.

It's not so much that I'm homesick, I'm just ready for this to feel more like home.

iFail

I've done so well keeping a good attitude about being here. I haven't gotten homesick, I haven't gotten frustrated at anyone, I've done well on my quizzes and homework... But the moment I mention that I don't want to go to devo, I get verbally slapped.
Since when do you care what I do with my life?
I guess this is what I get for wanting to dance instead of go to my third church event of the week... Im such a sinful person for doing this, you know.
I haven't been this depressed in a while. Please say a prayer for me if you just so happen to read this...
Transitions are difficult.
<3jen

The beginning

I'm lying here on my new, extra-fluffy bed wondering how two nights from now I'm going to make it through the night.

Today was hard. We bought everything I needed for my trailer and then spent the rest of my day cleaning and arranging stuff. It took every ounce of will to not scream at my mom to let me grow up!! But I do feel like they kind of understood... After all, she did wash all the dishes for me and didn't try to organize everything herself. ;)

But I don't know. Just every aspect about today was difficult. Wanting to move so badly, yet not wanting to leave.. I guess this is what every college freshman goes through... But it still sucks.

Here's to a brighter, cleaner day tomorrow... And my bathtub to miraculously become less terrifying.

<3jen

Expectations

I dont want to go to the church of Christ student center at auburn. And if I dont then that will be the end of the world...

I'm tired of being labeled church of Christ. Im not!! I'm tired of being labeled a good little perfect church girl... I just want to be me! The girl who loves God and loves people...

Why must we all be forced to do what everyone else thinks we should do? Why must we feel guilty if we don't do what's been done in your family for two generations? I want to make friends and not have to pretend to be best friends with people I used to go to church with and who totally ignored me but now think we should be best friends... So far nobody understands.

My roommate is the perfect church girl and is so excited about the ACSC. I'm just afraid she wont understand my imperfectness. I mean, I know she will, but this mood I'm in is not offering any encouragement...

To quote my new favorite song on the radio "everybody's got a dark side, do you love me, do you love mine?"

I'm ready to break free of expectations, but college seems like its going to bring them even tighter...

<3jen

The last goodbyes

I'm sitting here listening to the butter bean band playing some sad-sounding song and it makes this moment even sadder...

The last goodbyes.

I said goodbye to my high school best friends yesterday and tomorrow is my best friend from my old church and Thursday night is my moms side of the family... But tonight is definitely one of the saddest.

Now I have been so excited all of this past week and am still, but just something about this night has made me realize that I never know the next time I'm going to see everyone I love... Breaks my heart to think that I have the chance to never see them again.

I needn't waste my time.

<3jen

Focus on the good.

I'm just sitting here at this girls retreat reflecting on 1 Corinthians 13... A chapter I've read a hundred thousand times, but yet somehow it still doesn't sink in.

("so no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do... I'm bankrupt without love.")

I got a parallel NIV/message bible for my graduation, so as I've been studying the Bible since then, Ive been looking at the message to kinda understand it better... Or at least get a fresh look on things.

("love never dies. It cares more for others than self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut.....it puts up with anything. Trusts God always. Always looks for the best.")

That last phrase there is a stinker. I've been thinking about that lately. You know, always assuming the worst of people, judging before I get to know them... It's not love. And I yearn to change my attitude towards the world.

As i said in my little advice blurb to my fellow students at school "love everybody." the world could care less about how much you know, until they can know how much you care.

<3jen