thwack

Thwack. 

Hayden's little pointer made direct contact with Allison's eyeball. Tears immediately ensued. 

"I'm sorry, Allison!" was repeated over and over. 

Hayden turned to me confusedly. "Ms. B, I said I'm sorry! Why won't she stop crying?" 

***

How often do we (namely I) do this? Expect an apology to heal the intense hurt (physical or emotional) and then life will carry on... But life doesn't work like that, does it? 

It reminds me of this song I heard the other day… “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North. 

"We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace”

Words hurt. But the right ones from the right Person can heal.

Just something to think about. 

old writings

I've been cleaning out a lot lately. REALLY cleaning. Throwing away bags and bags of things and keeping only what i really need or want.
anyways.
i stumbled across these notes i had written back when I was frustrated with church, God and everyone in general. There is so much hate, so much hurt, but so raw that I thought i'd share in the hopes that you might look around and notice someone else who hurts as much now as I did back then.

on point. 2015.

The urban dictionary defines on point as “up to par, ready to perform at best, and ready to get down to business.”* And that’s how I want this year to go. 

I recently read a blog post** about how to set resolutions for the upcoming year when you so failed your resolutions from the year prior. I didn’t stick to a routine of exercise and health or life without abandon or regret. It is hard to put those back on my list for this year, but as the blog post wrote “And the truth is: Your New Year doesn’t need to-do lists like it needs to-God-be-the-glory lists!”

So what that I didn’t do all that I wanted to, but for this next year? It’s not about succeeding at my goals, per se, but to bring God glory in all areas of my life. So here’s to an on point 2015:

Spiritually:

·      Learn to be more aware of God’s constant presence around me

·      Tithe… because I’ve never really done that consistently and I feel the Spirit nudging me to do so

·      Go back to Guatemala (and learn Spanish before then)

Physically:

·      Eat normally and healthily (no binging or emotional eating)

·      Stick to a consistent workout routine

·      Don't go back for seconds.

Socially: 

·      Cook more. For myself, for others.

·      Write more encouraging notes (instead of just texting people)

·      Become known as the girl who never complains... I do think this is possible!!

Here's to a fresh start, a new beginning. 

<3jen

*the other definition of on point according to the urban dictionary is “not drunk/stoned” but I didn’t think that I needed to work on that haha

**I read this article from Ann Voskamp’s blog… dang she’s an amazing writer: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/12/how-to-step-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-want-a-do-over-on-the-last-year/

Rest in peace, dear one

I was scrolling through Facebook, wasting time as usual and trying to avoid studying when I stumbled across a mother's post on a friend of mine's wall. It was so guilt-ridden with obviously so much pain behind the words. Surprised, I kept reading and discovered that my friend had killed himself a few weeks earlier.
I may not have seen him or talked to him in years, and we may have never been extremely close, but it still breaks my heart.
Cause that could have been me.
I know exactly the pain he was feeling that led him to take his own life. I just hate that no one was there to stop him, to point him to freedom and healing.
I kept reading the posts his friends and family had written all over his wall about how much he was loved and showed love.
"Rest in Peace."
I don't know what I believe about whether people go to heaven or hell if they kill themselves. But I do know that this young man is so loved by God and everyone else.
To those of you out there who are struggling with depression and wanting to end it all -- don't.
You are loved. You are cared about. And your life matters.
<3jen

Month of firsts (part 2)

As I worked through my month of firsts, I realized something. Every day has a first of its own - whether or not we are aware of it. There are endless things we do for the first time without realizing it. And as I struggled through finding new things to do every day, I realized something else.
This month wasn't about firsts, but about gathering courage to tackle life's new adventures without abandon.
And when I realized that, everything made sense. Why are firsts so thrilling? Because you're proud of yourself for not being too afraid to do something.
So go do something new. Wrangle up some courage and just do it. You've got this.

**

• drove a motorbike
• ran a real 5k
• ate at Zoe's
• made crockpot hot chocolate (and it was AMAZING)
• played guitar in front of my class
• got a mani/pedi
• drove my dog in my car (dumb sounding, but it was quite the adventure)
• made a cinnamon roll cake (which was AMAZING)
• paid a speeding ticket :( 
• got fingerprinted (for DHR)
• photographed a proposal
• WITNESSED a proposal 

**

My favorite first was definitely getting a tattoo... I'm still super proud of that one. ;) 

Here's to finishing out the year with courage. 

<3jen

she laughs.

I'm not really afraid much of heights or bugs or things of that type. I don't necessarily enjoy public speaking per se, but I'm not terrified of it. I used to say that I wasn't really afraid of anything... but that's not true.

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared to grow up. I'm scared of being a failure.

Those fears are different than your typical phobias of external problems. They reveal a trust issue.

**

I had lunch a few weeks ago with one of my close friends from years past. Somehow we got to talking about my upcoming graduation and how it was so scary and rushing up quickly. And suddenly she dropped this wisdom bomb on me. 

"I was reading in my Bible the other day and came across this verse and it stumped me. 

She is clothed in strength and dignity, she laughs without fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25)

How is it possible that someone can laugh in the face of the future?"

Through the remainder of our conversation, the answer became clear. This woman (the ideal woman. the one we all strive to become.) knows what she faces will be horrible. She knows that what all can go wrong, will more than likely go wrong at one point in time.

But she holds onto a greater hope.

She can be joyous despite what comes because she knows that whatever it is -- be it terrible or wonderful -- it will be a blessing to her. God will grow her through it. 

But the problems she will face? Her God is so much greater than any attack of the devil. And at his futile attempts to break her apart -- she laughs. 

Month of firsts (part 1)

SO.
I haven't been the best at doing something new EVERY single day, but I've done a whole lot of firsts and that's been really exciting.

So here is a short list of what all new things I have done so far this month:

• got a tattoo (whoa i know.. "I decided that it was about time for the scars on one side of my wrist to have a permanent counter as a reminder of God's constant love -- despite any hurts that are brought to the table. #2timothy17 #twloha")
• painted with chalkboard paint
• rode a motorcycle (ahhh, I want one now!!)
• went to a wedding shower without my mom 
• ordered a coffee with four shots of expresso (can you say ENERGY)
• ate a cupcake sandwich
• saw oreo cows
• drank a cortado coffee (it was SO strong but really good :) 
• skyped with my boyfriend's parents
• took pictures in a hayfield
• ate a "sweet pea" fry.. or something like that. it was actually really good.
• made a C on a test (at least I hope it's a C.. ha)

I'm sure there were a few others that I can't remember.. but I'll add them when I remember them. In the meantime, here are a few pictures of my firsts.. mainly with food -- which is boring to some people, but whatever :)