I'm done.

With my meds, that is.
I'm officially off my anti-depressants and still doing marvelous.
Over Thanksgiving break I went to my therapist/doctor/lady and she agreed that I need not be on medication anymore. Crazy how far I've come in two years. I'm so blessed.
***
My short titles for these last few posts make me smile. Not sure why such short titles just draw me in... But they do.
In other news, merry Christmas eve's eve!
<3jen

RIP, little ones

I worked everyday this past week in a kindergarten classroom. 17 precious kids, 1 wonderful teacher. And then when I came home Friday afternoon, it felt as if my heart had broken.

20 precious children, 6 wonderful teachers. All gunned down. Point blank. No mercy. No love.
I haven't ever cried this much for people I have never met or even seen.

Just say a prayer for these families. For the ones who have to unwrap all the Christmas presents themselves. For the ones who have to spend the rest of their lives wondering what their children would have looked like, acted like, loved in the future...
Just pray for everyone involved.

RIP, little ones...

I cried today.

It's my last week here in Auburn until 2013. This makes me so sad, yet so excited.
It's finals week, so yesterday we had a eating/study party at my place. The studying done was minimal, but it was so much fun. It's gonna be weird not having those besties around all of the time...
But that's all a side note. The real reason I cried today was church.
We started a new series called "White Christmas." It's on forgiveness. Which is something I have been really really struggling with lately. It's not that anyone's hurt me lately, but it's all this pain I'm harboring from years.
Being betrayed, being ignored, being hated... It's hard to let go of those things. And it's harder to love the people who did it.
But the first step is to pray for them. Pray that they'll be blessed in all they do, in their lives, with their friends and families...
So here goes...

<3jen

Day 20

I'm thankful for Thanksgiving break. And the time to relax and read and study and play with my camera and just not stress about anything. It's so nice really.
<3jen

But last night was different.

Last night my family and I worked at our church's homeless ministry. Usually I'm passing out desserts, Mom is giving them toilet paper, and Dad is greeting everyone and carrying their things to their cars.
But last night was different.
Since it was Thanksgiving week, volunteers were overflowing the place. There were fifteen little children at a one person station. Usually having so many people is cumbersome. No one really works, and no one is really needed.
But last night was different.
Mrs. Fran immediately grabbed my family and put us as the end of the line, praying a "Thanksgiving blessing" on the men and women receiving the food and toiletries. It was heartbreaking to hear some of their prayer requests... "My son is in jail." "I'm separated from my 5 children." "I just got out of the hospital and found out last week now I have cancer!"
But somehow, praying over them changed my perspective. Crazy how small my problems, my grades, my arguments seem compared to theirs. I'm so blessed, I wish I could do more for them...

Praying for others grows your love for the hurting. I'm sure of it.
<3jen

Don't forget them

I know I say this a lot, but really.
I reach out to so many people, trying to touch their lives, be there for them, that sometimes I wish people would do the same for me.
And if you've reached out to me in the past and now are completely ignoring me? That hurts worse than the ones who never reached out.
Seriously, y'all? Sometimes, all I can say is that you suck.
I don't give a crap about why you aren't talking to me and honestly I wouldn't talk to you now if you begged me to... But please realize all the people you are giving up on. They may not be as strong as me.
Suicide isn't for the weak. But for those who have been too strong for too long.
Open your eyes and your hearts people.
And I know I'm just as guilty of this as most. But still. Realize your idiotic habits and reach out. Life isn't all about you.
(Okay, rant over.)

<3jen

Day 6

I'm thankful for presidential elections and the ability for us to vote.. Even though I'm too young to vote this time anyway.

Day 5

I'm thankful for worship songs... And amazing classes at auburn.

Day four

I'm grateful for caring choir directors who don't make a face at you when you sing extra loud during a rest... Unlike the rest of the choir... Y'ALL.
Failure moment.

<3jen

Day 3

I'm grateful for my own bathroom. And room. And closet.

Deformed desires

Huh. God works in mysterious ways, no? I have been reminiscing all evening about my depression (cued by my psychology chapter) and then in my devotional it starts talking about how we need to be grateful for our convictions of our "deformed desires." Cause, by golly, if He hadn't convicted me... I would not be here. Like, I'd e dead. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.

<3jen

I just read back through the first dozen posts that I made on here... Some days I feel awful still, but really? I've come a crazy long way. And I don't ever want to go back.
<3jen

Day two

I'm thankful for good music to listen to... Encouraging music, depressing music, worshipful music, happy music, study music... Just all music. I love it.

Day one

I am thankful for good friends... Friends who will stand in line to go see Bill Nye, for friends who will help me when I'm struggling with psychology, for friends who open themselves up to me and let me pray for them, friends who always make me smile... Friends who will read this... Aka, YOU.

Sometimes...

I just wanna grab some people by the shoulders and shake them until they realize the life they're throwing away. Breaks my heart.

<3jen

Happy post... Finally(;

Just for the record, college isn't all horribleness. ;P I am always posting stuff when things go wrong, so here's some marvelous things that have happened:

*ive made some amazing friends already. I have constant snapchat conversations with Savannah, hanging out all the time with a few other education majors, Erin and Kelsey. And Kenita goes to the same church as me and have spent a lot I time with her. And mrs. Amy? She is an angel. My mom met her through her blog, but she has taken me under her wings and is alway tweeting me, meeting me for meals, saving me seats at church, and just being amazing.

*despite my c on my last math test, I've actually have not really struggled with any of my classes. Making too grades in geology, 100s in my easy classes, and high bs in the rest. :)

*my church has to be the best thing that has happened to me. Not only is each service possibly the most moving thing I've been to, but it has totally shaped my opinion of Christians... God is definitely working through my past struggles with ideologies of Christians being hypocrites. And my small group is always so encouraging...

*while we've had several tension-filled moments, my relationship with my sister has really been great. She's. even started coming to Wednesday night church with me... Crazy amazing. And my relationship with my parents is amazing. I've called them crying a couple times, but they never fail to cheer me up...
Seriously, I love my life.

<3jen

Fears

Funny how one bad test grade can lead to so many fears being uncovered... What if I'm really only getting good grades because of curving? What if I don't get accepted to my college? What if I don't get a job one day? What if I don't get married and am a spinster all of my life?
AUGH. The questions just beat me to death.
The little voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm incompetent to do anything, but I keep trying to tell myself that God is what makes me able to do anything.
It's so hard.

<3jen

So when I should be studying for my huge midterm, I'm lying here on my bed sobbing. Why? Because sometimes you've been strong for too long and need a good cry...

<3jen

Reflections

I always look back on past times in my life and wonder how the heck I didn't see all the signs that should've told me to turn around. Like when a guy would go behind his parents back just to talk to me. Like telling an untrustworthy person a serious secret. Like trusting someone you know will let you down...
Those all first make me grateful I finally "saw the light"... But really? It makes me wonder what I can't see right now.
<3jen

Suicide awareness day...

Tomorrow, september 10th, is suicide awareness day.

For me and all of the other people who have struggled with thoughts of suicide, say a prayer tomorrow. Wear yellow. And write love on your wrist.

It could save someone's life.

It's not so much that I'm homesick, I'm just ready for this to feel more like home.

iFail

I've done so well keeping a good attitude about being here. I haven't gotten homesick, I haven't gotten frustrated at anyone, I've done well on my quizzes and homework... But the moment I mention that I don't want to go to devo, I get verbally slapped.
Since when do you care what I do with my life?
I guess this is what I get for wanting to dance instead of go to my third church event of the week... Im such a sinful person for doing this, you know.
I haven't been this depressed in a while. Please say a prayer for me if you just so happen to read this...
Transitions are difficult.
<3jen

The beginning

I'm lying here on my new, extra-fluffy bed wondering how two nights from now I'm going to make it through the night.

Today was hard. We bought everything I needed for my trailer and then spent the rest of my day cleaning and arranging stuff. It took every ounce of will to not scream at my mom to let me grow up!! But I do feel like they kind of understood... After all, she did wash all the dishes for me and didn't try to organize everything herself. ;)

But I don't know. Just every aspect about today was difficult. Wanting to move so badly, yet not wanting to leave.. I guess this is what every college freshman goes through... But it still sucks.

Here's to a brighter, cleaner day tomorrow... And my bathtub to miraculously become less terrifying.

<3jen

Expectations

I dont want to go to the church of Christ student center at auburn. And if I dont then that will be the end of the world...

I'm tired of being labeled church of Christ. Im not!! I'm tired of being labeled a good little perfect church girl... I just want to be me! The girl who loves God and loves people...

Why must we all be forced to do what everyone else thinks we should do? Why must we feel guilty if we don't do what's been done in your family for two generations? I want to make friends and not have to pretend to be best friends with people I used to go to church with and who totally ignored me but now think we should be best friends... So far nobody understands.

My roommate is the perfect church girl and is so excited about the ACSC. I'm just afraid she wont understand my imperfectness. I mean, I know she will, but this mood I'm in is not offering any encouragement...

To quote my new favorite song on the radio "everybody's got a dark side, do you love me, do you love mine?"

I'm ready to break free of expectations, but college seems like its going to bring them even tighter...

<3jen

The last goodbyes

I'm sitting here listening to the butter bean band playing some sad-sounding song and it makes this moment even sadder...

The last goodbyes.

I said goodbye to my high school best friends yesterday and tomorrow is my best friend from my old church and Thursday night is my moms side of the family... But tonight is definitely one of the saddest.

Now I have been so excited all of this past week and am still, but just something about this night has made me realize that I never know the next time I'm going to see everyone I love... Breaks my heart to think that I have the chance to never see them again.

I needn't waste my time.

<3jen

Focus on the good.

I'm just sitting here at this girls retreat reflecting on 1 Corinthians 13... A chapter I've read a hundred thousand times, but yet somehow it still doesn't sink in.

("so no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do... I'm bankrupt without love.")

I got a parallel NIV/message bible for my graduation, so as I've been studying the Bible since then, Ive been looking at the message to kinda understand it better... Or at least get a fresh look on things.

("love never dies. It cares more for others than self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut.....it puts up with anything. Trusts God always. Always looks for the best.")

That last phrase there is a stinker. I've been thinking about that lately. You know, always assuming the worst of people, judging before I get to know them... It's not love. And I yearn to change my attitude towards the world.

As i said in my little advice blurb to my fellow students at school "love everybody." the world could care less about how much you know, until they can know how much you care.

<3jen

still that girl…

happy post

all of my last posts have been about being hurt, but to let you know that i havent been entirely bummed these past few weeks, here are some exciting things that have happened:

*a beautiful dance photo shoot with my bff!

*Senior trip to NYC!!! got to see “Phantom of the Opera”… ohmygosh, IT WAS AMAZING

*got my formal dress for $6… ::SCORE FOR ME::

*officially got a roommate for my freshman year at Auburn!!! :D SO EXCITING.

*46 days until i graduate! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

*almost finished organizing every single picture that i’ve ever gotten printed… (a lot of work, but will be worth it once they are all in albums according to dates and subjects! haha)

*made it past 1500 tweets. not exactly exciting, but more on the insane side.

*BABY GIRL coming in the family!!

*got to see my long-lost cousin while in NYC (:

*finally loving my pictures that i take… not obsessing over every detail, but loving them despite their flaws. (now to come to this attitude about myself! haha)

*****

and that’s all i can think of right now… but SEE. my life isn’t all bad. and now i’m in a better mood. so thank you invisible blog friends for helping me cheer myself up. ;)

<3jen

when your best friends fall in love…

its not the most enjoyable thing.
((I am fully aware of how selfish this post will sound, but i need to get it out, so i’d figure id do it here where nobody will really read it/care. haha))
i mean, its great that your two best friends are head-over-heels for each other. im really really happy that they finally decided to realize it!!
but at the same time it still hurts. a lot.
i abhor being a third wheel. it makes you feel entirely worthless and unwanted. but hey, at least theyve choosen to keep it a three-some instead of a “bicycle”. gives me some feeling of importance. :P maybe i can at the very least be a chaperone… im almost technically An Adult now, right?
but why does that matter at all if they like each other, you ask? because it does. it means that your best friends are no longer just YOUR best friends. i know its totally selfish on my part. entirely selfish. i shouldn’t care if they arent as close to me as they are to each other. thats good for them. but nonetheless, its still painful for me.
but alas, it comes with the territory. i shall grow up and find me some single friends again. haha, just kidding. i’ll keep my best friends and just suck it all up. being a third wheel isn’t that terribly, right?

and to pass the time, here is a great song that i like kind of with regard to this. not really, but i just got back from nyc and this play is still on my mind. ;)

*****
this is intended to be a BEST FRIENDS YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY post (they prolly wont be reading it anyways), but for all the rest of you best friends out there who are in love, please be aware of your third-wheel friends for my sake.
<3jen

what hurts the most

I think what hurts the most is that no one even notices.

I get so frustrated with my church sometimes. First, the dictatorship bugged me… then the fakeness… and now the stupid restriction of women not being allowed to pray!

Not counting our Sunday morning girls class (which is usually my one grace of the week), I haven’t been to our church in like 8 weeks. And aside from my two best friends, no one has said anything. If that doesn’t make you feel bad, what does? That all of your so-called “Christian friends” don’t even notice when you’re hurt and missing?

******
For my sake, look around in your life and notice who’s missing. You’d be surprised at how much it’d mean to them for you to tell them that you love and miss them…

<3jen

 

 

disclaimer: i did go to one Wednesday night class (no service, though) a couple weeks ago, and a retreat this past weekend, but nobody said ANYTHING about me not being there or practically being in tears the whole time both times. *sigh*