what hurts the most

I think what hurts the most is that no one even notices.

I get so frustrated with my church sometimes. First, the dictatorship bugged me… then the fakeness… and now the stupid restriction of women not being allowed to pray!

Not counting our Sunday morning girls class (which is usually my one grace of the week), I haven’t been to our church in like 8 weeks. And aside from my two best friends, no one has said anything. If that doesn’t make you feel bad, what does? That all of your so-called “Christian friends” don’t even notice when you’re hurt and missing?

******
For my sake, look around in your life and notice who’s missing. You’d be surprised at how much it’d mean to them for you to tell them that you love and miss them…

<3jen

 

 

disclaimer: i did go to one Wednesday night class (no service, though) a couple weeks ago, and a retreat this past weekend, but nobody said ANYTHING about me not being there or practically being in tears the whole time both times. *sigh*

wrapped up

last week at church camp, my youth minister told me that my problems keep getting in my way. I need to just not focus on them and they’ll go away. The I am so absorbed in my problems that I am not letting God use my full potential to reach out to those around me.

part of me really agrees with him. I mean, it makes total sense. I am too wrapped up in my problems… but the other part of me wants to know how i can help others when my life is still such a big mess?

<3jen

Peace

Galatians 1:3
”Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

***

Yesterday during yet another sermon on the book of John (three years in… only on chapter 17. yeah. mm.), I read Galatians. Yes, the whole book, and it was amazing.

There’s just something about concentrating so hard to focus on reading the Bible and blocking out absolutely everything else. It was very encouraging.

But just as I was starting, a couple words popped out at me.
Grace.
and Peace.
And being the geek that I am, I looked up the definitions of these words in the back of my Bible.

GRACE: an undeserved gift…

PEACE: freedom… from disturbance. from worry. from stress. from the world.

Grace, I’m thankful for. Peace, I yearn for…

*****

my diagnosis is now “low to mild depression”. woot. :)

<3jen

financial advice

“If you’re gonna get better, you’ve gotta look at where you are and how you change it.”

my finance teacher was getting off on a tangent about being in debt.. but i found that this applied to life in general.

“Your triggers are why you keep falling backwards into the same things you’ve been doing.”

people ask me what my triggers are, and i can never think of a “goodish” answer. but then it hit me today.

imperfection.

that’s my trigger. that’s why i hated myself. that’s why i push myself too hard. that’s why i got in this whole mess in the first place. i wanted to be perfect. and i wasn’t. so i beat myself up for it.

how do i conquer this, though?

grace.

i don’t accept grace like i should. i don’t deserve grace. but God gives it to me anyways. I shouldn’t be like the man who was given grace and in turn didn’t give it away. that’s me. i get grace from God, but i don’t give it back to myself.

kinda tough to chew on.

<3jen

winterfest

i was going back and rereading some of my blog posts.. and i really have come quite a ways since last november. it’s kinda crazy how God has changed my life.. but i am SO grateful that He has.

**

this weekend i went to winterfest. it was absolutely amazing. so many of the things hit me, but my favorite thing one of the speakers said would have to be

    “God does NOT give up on you, you give up on yourself.”

i don’t really know why this one phrase stuck out to me so much, but it did. God DOESNT give up on us. ever.

and that is how i think i’ve come so far.. with His help.. cause even though i thought that i was so worthless that nobody could even possibly want anything to do with me, God knew otherwise. He cared for me. He watched over me. He took me in His arms and loved me.

<3jen

reading the billboards

some people think i’ve changed. and some haven’t even noticed anything.

but me? i think i haven’t really changed as a person, but i am dealing with the crappy parts of life differently.

at least i hope i am.

 

last night at the super bowl party for my youth group, my youth minister said something that stuck out to me.

are you going to church and just “reading the billboards”? or would you rather have the actual product or an amazing commercial? you can read the Bible and go to church, but in reality? you’re just reading the billboards. you must LIVE out your faith. and search for the real “product”. don’t be satisfied with the beautiful crap the world offers you. it’s not worth it.

that really hit me. i mean, sure. i’ve been focusing on myself and trying to get over this, but it’s kinda hard to “get over” anything without God. i’ve just been messing around with church not really focusing on the message and changing my life.

**

you should be so wrapped up in God as your Lord that others cant help but notice and want what you have.

i usually get all upset when i think about the bubble i live in. how i can’t witness to non-Christians cause i honestly don’t know any. but as people always tell me, you dont have to know non-christians to witness. the christians in your life need witnessing to too..

<3jen

a child of God

last night in class, we read 1 John 3. i’ve read these verses a million times, but i read it differently last night.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!...And this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

we don’t deserve to be called children of God. but he lavished his love on us. how blessed are we, impure sinners, to be called children of God. how special that makes us. how special that makes ME.

***

as im sipping my hot chocolate, i’m mulling over what i want my new years resolution to be this year... i’m definitely reading through the Bible in the Message version. i want a new twist on things i’ve read over and over.. but as for my usual __-less January, I can’t decide... it seems like such a big task right now.

<3jen

Peace and Joy

this is stuff we usually talk about around Christmastime. nothing new. but for once, i actually am looking at this stuff as things that could possibly be mine.

in class today we talked about peace. about what peace really is. one thing the teacher said that really stuck out to me was that “peace is not just a ‘feeling.’ it’s a mindset. an attitude. the Prince of Peace lives”

then in church we broke from our usual John series (we were on week 37 of that series.. o_O haha) and talked about joy. Mr. A had a bunch of good points. “happiness and joy aren't the same thing. you can be happy and not joyful, but joy leads to happiness. joy is permanent, happiness is temporary. how do you get joy? you already have it. God gave it to you when you were saved. joy is being content in all circumstances.”

ive heard all this stuff a million times. joy and peace, blah blah blah. but today it hit me. yes, i know all the book answers, but why don’t i ever apply it to me? God gave it to ME too. its not for perfect Christians only, cause there ARE no “perfect Christians.” its for people like me who have messed up. and God still loves us. He loves ME. kinda amazing to think about..

<3jen