full remission

well, after last post’s long complaining session (which did me great good, mind you. haha), I have a whole bunch of good news for you.

MONDAY I got to meet up with an old friend, and let me tell you, it was wonderful. she’s amazing. I LOVE YOU, A! <3

Tuesday was my last counseling session. For a long time, at least. I enjoyed counseling, but very very glad that it’s over. I was declared “depression free” and in “full remission.” So YAY!!! that part of my journey is over. :D

Wednesday morning I went to a neurologist to see if she could explain the reason why I’ve had chronic headaches for the past few years. She couldn’t but I go in for an MRI on Tuesday. Not to worry, they said, just a procedure. :)

and then Wednesday night I started my new dance studio and AHHHHHHHH. it was wonderful. it definitely kicked some butt, but was such fun. I am really looking forward to taking there. :D

I had a photo-shoot last night of a … 5-month old (i think) of some friends of ours. it was a wonderful time getting to hang out with them, and of course, take lots of pictures. :)

and then today. I start friday classes finally. This summer has been so long, but it went by so fast. i am very excited to see all my friends again. crazy how you can miss people so much…

ANYWHOO,i need to go get ready for school, but i figured y’all would appreciate some good news for once. ;)

<3jen

;)

well, gosh. i got my license. how exciting is this!?! i’m like really hyped up right now.

BUT. i guess i need to bring you an update on things before i ramble off into my own little world of licensed drivers.. haha

my counselor said that starting next week, i’m only gonna have to go to counseling every other week.. and that i’m doing good and such and such. :) my parents were quite glad to hear this. and it was kinda nice for me to hear it too. :)

well, i’d better go get the one thing of school i have for today done. it’s just so not fun to do school on your birthday. oh well. :) means i’ll get done faster for summer. :)

<3jen

trust

Counseling last week, i played in the sand tray and made up my own world, with my own rules, my own time.. everyone trusted each other. and everyone had cows. (hee hee)

J still has me thinking about the future. planning things. looking forward to things…

speaking of which, my SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEK. and i’m getting my license. and will be allowed to drive MYSELF places. BY MYSELF. so excited.

AND i’m switching dance studios for sure next semester. :D

today J said that its okay to leave me at home by myself. that’s a big improvement. they’re trusting me. ;)

trust.

thats something  i’m graually building back up. it’s kinda nice to enjoy that again.

*****

being in a good mood, drinking hot chocolate, and editing pictures. ahhh, what a wonderful evening.

<3jen

landslide

well, i’ve been afraid of changing, cause i built my life around you..

around the depressed, suicidal, jenna. my whole life revolved around how i was feeling. is that so wrong? some might say no, but in order to break this loop of depression i’m gonna have to break those thoughts..

(absolutely LOVE this song.. i’ve listened to it about 300 times this past week. <3)

**

counseling on Thursdays was a “big breakthrough” as my parents might call it. i was allowed to get all my scissors, knives, and razors back.. aka, i’m getting better, according to my counselor.
a couple weeks ago she changed my diagnosis to just depressed.. not suicidal. i think it made my parents week. :)
but i have definitely enjoyed having my scissors back. for crafting purposes.. it’s hard to wrap presents without scissors.. ;)

**

so. it’s a whole new year. i’m kinda anxious to see what this year’s gonna bring. last year was terrible, so hopefully this year will be a more upbeat year..

as this year moves on,  i have three prayer requests for myself in this upcoming year.

*that i will have the desire to change. but most importantly, to desire God.

*that i will have the strength to persevere in the change. in the hard times, in the easy time. to not let up the fight.

*that i will accept grace. God’s grace. that i will realize that it’s not the end of the world if i’m not perfect.. and that His grace covers me.

**

May your 2011 be as fantabulous as you can make it. im praying for you.

<3jen

counseling, session 4

Today we just talked. About trivial things - like broken fingernails and 16th birthday parties. About important things – like friends and my life. It was good to have someone to talk to that knows almost everything who doesn’t think you’re fragile or anything like that.

we also talked about what things i have been looking at to do next year. I’ve asked Mrs. B to teach a photography class and have looked at a couple new dance studios to try out for my senior year.. it’s a lot to think about.

but one thing she keeps stressing is to find things to look forward to. to make me see the good things in life. to want to live..

<3jen

counseling, session 3

Julie had me write down a list of 6 roles i play in my daily life.

1. Daughter
2. Student
3. Friend
4. Sister
5. Actress
6. Dancer/student teacher

Then I had to put a name with each of the roles on the list. someone who i closely associate with that role.

i then had to imagine my college graduation in 5 years. all six of those people would be there. and they all would have something to say about me. my task was to write down what I hoped they would say. an effort for me to make goals for myself. to have a reason to keep living.

i’ll admit. it was really hard trying to think of things i wanted people to say about me. i hate being complimented. why? i said, cause i don’t believe it. i don’t want to believe it. i’ve always been afraid that if i believed that i was really whatever they said, i would be stuck up. and that’s a flaw i don’t want to have, if i can help it. then Julie explained how it is possible to not beat yourself up all the time but not be tooting your horn all the time. that’s definitely something i’m gonna be working on.. so if i start getting stuck up, please let me know. :P

Julie also has been pushing me to take up a new activity. a dance studio elsewhere, a photography class once a week, ice skating.. the possibilities are endless. and that’s my problem. i like my structured life. my “norm.” but my depression is also part of my “norm”, so to break that, my normal cycle of everyday life is gonna have to change somewhere. and that’s kinda scary. i hate change.

 

****

it’s raining. and i’m listening to Meredith Andrews. and i’m eating goldfish. and am ready to go to my best friend’s first ballet recital. you can’t get much better than this.

<3jen