Rest in peace, dear one

I was scrolling through Facebook, wasting time as usual and trying to avoid studying when I stumbled across a mother's post on a friend of mine's wall. It was so guilt-ridden with obviously so much pain behind the words. Surprised, I kept reading and discovered that my friend had killed himself a few weeks earlier.
I may not have seen him or talked to him in years, and we may have never been extremely close, but it still breaks my heart.
Cause that could have been me.
I know exactly the pain he was feeling that led him to take his own life. I just hate that no one was there to stop him, to point him to freedom and healing.
I kept reading the posts his friends and family had written all over his wall about how much he was loved and showed love.
"Rest in Peace."
I don't know what I believe about whether people go to heaven or hell if they kill themselves. But I do know that this young man is so loved by God and everyone else.
To those of you out there who are struggling with depression and wanting to end it all -- don't.
You are loved. You are cared about. And your life matters.
<3jen

Month of firsts (part 2)

As I worked through my month of firsts, I realized something. Every day has a first of its own - whether or not we are aware of it. There are endless things we do for the first time without realizing it. And as I struggled through finding new things to do every day, I realized something else.
This month wasn't about firsts, but about gathering courage to tackle life's new adventures without abandon.
And when I realized that, everything made sense. Why are firsts so thrilling? Because you're proud of yourself for not being too afraid to do something.
So go do something new. Wrangle up some courage and just do it. You've got this.

**

• drove a motorbike
• ran a real 5k
• ate at Zoe's
• made crockpot hot chocolate (and it was AMAZING)
• played guitar in front of my class
• got a mani/pedi
• drove my dog in my car (dumb sounding, but it was quite the adventure)
• made a cinnamon roll cake (which was AMAZING)
• paid a speeding ticket :( 
• got fingerprinted (for DHR)
• photographed a proposal
• WITNESSED a proposal 

**

My favorite first was definitely getting a tattoo... I'm still super proud of that one. ;) 

Here's to finishing out the year with courage. 

<3jen

she laughs.

I'm not really afraid much of heights or bugs or things of that type. I don't necessarily enjoy public speaking per se, but I'm not terrified of it. I used to say that I wasn't really afraid of anything... but that's not true.

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared to grow up. I'm scared of being a failure.

Those fears are different than your typical phobias of external problems. They reveal a trust issue.

**

I had lunch a few weeks ago with one of my close friends from years past. Somehow we got to talking about my upcoming graduation and how it was so scary and rushing up quickly. And suddenly she dropped this wisdom bomb on me. 

"I was reading in my Bible the other day and came across this verse and it stumped me. 

She is clothed in strength and dignity, she laughs without fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25)

How is it possible that someone can laugh in the face of the future?"

Through the remainder of our conversation, the answer became clear. This woman (the ideal woman. the one we all strive to become.) knows what she faces will be horrible. She knows that what all can go wrong, will more than likely go wrong at one point in time.

But she holds onto a greater hope.

She can be joyous despite what comes because she knows that whatever it is -- be it terrible or wonderful -- it will be a blessing to her. God will grow her through it. 

But the problems she will face? Her God is so much greater than any attack of the devil. And at his futile attempts to break her apart -- she laughs. 

Month of firsts (part 1)

SO.
I haven't been the best at doing something new EVERY single day, but I've done a whole lot of firsts and that's been really exciting.

So here is a short list of what all new things I have done so far this month:

• got a tattoo (whoa i know.. "I decided that it was about time for the scars on one side of my wrist to have a permanent counter as a reminder of God's constant love -- despite any hurts that are brought to the table. #2timothy17 #twloha")
• painted with chalkboard paint
• rode a motorcycle (ahhh, I want one now!!)
• went to a wedding shower without my mom 
• ordered a coffee with four shots of expresso (can you say ENERGY)
• ate a cupcake sandwich
• saw oreo cows
• drank a cortado coffee (it was SO strong but really good :) 
• skyped with my boyfriend's parents
• took pictures in a hayfield
• ate a "sweet pea" fry.. or something like that. it was actually really good.
• made a C on a test (at least I hope it's a C.. ha)

I'm sure there were a few others that I can't remember.. but I'll add them when I remember them. In the meantime, here are a few pictures of my firsts.. mainly with food -- which is boring to some people, but whatever :) 

Guitar picks and tears

I found a guitar pick under my bed and it made me cry. 

Thinking back over this past year and I'm overwhelmed by time lost. 

I sit here. In the middle of the floor. Alone. 

Surrounded by empty shelves and the skeleton of a broken friendship. 

The worst part of all? I feel like it's all of my fault. 

The ghosts of old memories flutter by, stirring the cobwebs... And I can't help but regret my whole life. 

The guilt is deafening and the heartbreak is crushing. 

This is hard. This is terribly hard. I'm pretty sure this is the hardest thing I've ever done. 

But there's a rainbow up ahead. A glimmer of hope. Barely there, but slightly visible if you squint hard enough. 

Maybe one day it will be restored.

God help me push forward. 

<3jen

caring

i honestly don't think anyone reads this blog anymore, but if you do... please say a prayer for me and my best friend.

Life is really hitting us hard right now. I'm torn between caring about someone and caring for them and caring for my life too... Trusting God is definitely the only way I'm making it through this trial.

Life sucks a lot. But it's worth it, I know. Just gotta make sure everyone still remembers that.
<3jen

To do list for this semester

I don't want this to be the worst semester of my life.

Last fall was the best four months of school in my life. I grew in my faith, I gained a best friend, and I was confident in myself and had such a passion for people. I want that back.

These past three weeks have started off terribly, but as I'm constantly reminded by the people in my life... "It's not always about where you start off, but where you choose to go from there."

So, this is my to do list for this semester. Things to keep me active and involved in life and not simply mulling into school and bemoaning the struggle of it all.

Here's to a fabulous second to last semester of senior year:

1. Get callouses on my fingers again from playing guitar so much

2. Do a "month of firsts" again (in October. At least that is my plan.)

3. Become brave and get a tattoo (really? you ask.. yeah, really.) 

4. Develop and stick to a routine of being both physically and spiritually in check

5. Get dinner or coffee with someone different every week – stay caught up on people’s lives

6. Become known as the girl who never complains and just goes with the flow

7. Pray first, listen second, and act last.

I know I'll think of a billion more, so i'll keep adding as I'm thinking.. but for now, those are my goals.

<3jen