Guitar picks and tears

I found a guitar pick under my bed and it made me cry. 

Thinking back over this past year and I'm overwhelmed by time lost. 

I sit here. In the middle of the floor. Alone. 

Surrounded by empty shelves and the skeleton of a broken friendship. 

The worst part of all? I feel like it's all of my fault. 

The ghosts of old memories flutter by, stirring the cobwebs... And I can't help but regret my whole life. 

The guilt is deafening and the heartbreak is crushing. 

This is hard. This is terribly hard. I'm pretty sure this is the hardest thing I've ever done. 

But there's a rainbow up ahead. A glimmer of hope. Barely there, but slightly visible if you squint hard enough. 

Maybe one day it will be restored.

God help me push forward. 

<3jen

caring

i honestly don't think anyone reads this blog anymore, but if you do... please say a prayer for me and my best friend.

Life is really hitting us hard right now. I'm torn between caring about someone and caring for them and caring for my life too... Trusting God is definitely the only way I'm making it through this trial.

Life sucks a lot. But it's worth it, I know. Just gotta make sure everyone still remembers that.
<3jen

To do list for this semester

I don't want this to be the worst semester of my life.

Last fall was the best four months of school in my life. I grew in my faith, I gained a best friend, and I was confident in myself and had such a passion for people. I want that back.

These past three weeks have started off terribly, but as I'm constantly reminded by the people in my life... "It's not always about where you start off, but where you choose to go from there."

So, this is my to do list for this semester. Things to keep me active and involved in life and not simply mulling into school and bemoaning the struggle of it all.

Here's to a fabulous second to last semester of senior year:

1. Get callouses on my fingers again from playing guitar so much

2. Do a "month of firsts" again (in October. At least that is my plan.)

3. Become brave and get a tattoo (really? you ask.. yeah, really.) 

4. Develop and stick to a routine of being both physically and spiritually in check

5. Get dinner or coffee with someone different every week – stay caught up on people’s lives

6. Become known as the girl who never complains and just goes with the flow

7. Pray first, listen second, and act last.

I know I'll think of a billion more, so i'll keep adding as I'm thinking.. but for now, those are my goals.

<3jen

afraid

I'm afraid of people. (and I realized this last night)

It's dumb really. I generalize the few times that I've been hurt to mean that everyone will leave when they realize the true me. And that's terrifying.

Sure, I have had a somewhat of a rough patch in my past, but I'm alive and healed today! So why do I still fear that if someone finds out what I struggle with, then they'll leave me by the wayside?

Why am I afraid of people and their abilities to hurt me?

***

At the LIFE retreat a couple months ago, someone spoke over me that if God intended a friendship to be formed, he will see it through until completion.

And something about that ministered to me.

I need to lose the fear of people. Lose the fear of not having someone physically with me for me to love. And lose the fear of loss in general.

Cause all I could ever need in a relationship is right here. with me. all the time!

Not only do I need to trust in God's capability of keeping me with whom I need to be, but I need to rely solely on him. May he help me to be ever dependent upon him, and not the relationships that will fail me.

<3jen

beauty through the rubble

"As the flowers poke through the rubble of the tornado-stricken houses, I'm reminded yet again of God's grace shining through my brokenness."

look up

http://blog.petflow.com/a-video-everyone-needs-to-see/

That video? It stepped on my toes.

So many times I've already noticed myself drifting away from conversation and into my phone. Conversing with people not here with there are people right in front of me who long to hear my voice.

How did this happen? When did I get so obsessed?

Something to break free of. Something to wade through.

So goodbye to ignoring real people and speaking only to names.

I'm going to find that balance, cause i don't want to live with regrets and closed doors, lost friendships and hurt feelings.

***
Food for thought.
<3jen

finish well.

"It's not about how you start; all that matters is how you finish."

I was sitting in yet another class, on yet another Monday, without any motivation for the rest of this semester. I was content with mainly B's this semester and not having to work hard these last few weeks... but then Dr. Powell dropped this nugget and it struck a chord with me.

So many of the weeks of this semester I completely checked out. I was physically in class, taking notes, being tested... but in reality, I was dead inside. Some days I had no emotion, others just no desire to live or really even do anything.

But yet, there was grace abounding all the more.

I struggled. I pulled people down. I didn't breathe life into people. I failed quizzes and bombed tests. I  complained constantly. I hurt myself and everyone around me.

"God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us." (Acts 17:27)

Somehow I've survived. Well, almost. I still have four weeks left of this semester and am void of any motivation. But I'm fighting back.

I'm not gonna write this semester off as the worst one of my life... sure, it's been one of the hardest. But looking back? It's had so many good blessings in the midst of all of the crap.

God's been working. Always working.

I'm not going to be satisfied with a mediocre finish. I'm not gonna beat myself up for all the mistakes I made this semester. I'm taking a new perspective to finish it out.

It's not about reflecting on our debt -- all that God has to forgive us for. All our struggles and hurts. But it's about reflecting on how much we've been forgiven. How gladly He paid our debt. How much He loves us despite it all.


Stay strong. Finish well.
<3jen