The number one question everyone asks me when I'm back home (followed closely by "are you dating anyone?" and "how are your grades?") is if I'm glad to be home.
and I'm not.
Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my family. And I'm so glad to get to spend time with them! And I love Christmas and I love spending Christmas with them.
But this isn't home anymore.
To be honest? I cried the whole drive from Auburn back to my house.
Am I being selfish? Obviously, yes.
Should I suck it up and make my mom happy and stay here the rest of the break? Yes. and I'll stay.
Will I have a good attitude about it all? It's what I'm praying about constantly.
Less of me, and more of You, Lord.
***
I have had several Skype conversations with my best friend about her recent trip to Haiti. Hearing how God move in that trip and how He changed her and so many of the other people on her trip? Absolutely incredible... that's what led to the tears and the discussions that came up this afternoon...
**
I had coffee with one of my good friends from my old church today.
She's graduating high school soon and fixing to attend college to double major in English education and Spanish education. She's going to either teach in the slums of America or go to a third-world, Spanish-speaking country and start a school there after college.
Just talking to her encouraged my dream of moving to Central America and loving on and teaching the people there. But I got to thinking, I know little-to-know Spanish, and I have no plans of how to get down there, what I'm going to do or anything. And while I feel like God is calling me to do this, I truly haven't listened to His voice for direction.
Until today.
I was stuck in stand-still traffic and I had a life-changing moment. I talked with God and verbally gave everything about my future to Him. (Side note: A few weeks ago I gave everything in my present life to God... and that changed my outlook on everything in the now. but I guess I was still holding onto a little control of my future there that I didn't realize... key word: WAS.)
I didn't realize how anxious I was about my life after college. Like, I'm graduating super young, I don't know where I'm going, I'm terrified of having to move back home... And above all, I'm scared of what God is going to do in me. Like it says in Ephesians 3:20-21:
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."
Immeasurably more than all I can even imagine?! like, that's SO SCARY to think about. But now it's less scary and more so insanely exciting.
I mean, even if it turns out that God just wants me to teach in a normal school in America, I pray that I can do so with such passion and joy as I would in another country.
Now as for other thoughts about preparing myself... I need to learn Spanish. like, that's super important. I also need to figure out where in Central America that God is calling me to... and then doing an internship. Maybe right out of college I can do that for a year and see what's next. I mean, who said that I have to start "work" right after I graduate? Also, who's gonna hire a 20-year-old to be a teacher?!
But no matter what, GOD IS IN CONTROL. and I don't care what He's going to make me do, because I know in all things, it will be marvelous.
Most of You, Lord, and least of me.
***
Another thought I had today, tied into yet another of the questions that any college student gets asked by the world: "are you dating anyone?"
I am really content in not dating anyone right now. Like, of course, a boyfriend would be awesome. But as a whole, that's not my purpose right now. But it does worry me a bit. I mean, who wants to grow up an old maid?!
But, I talked about that with God today.
My future husband will have to be mission-minded and love Jesus as much and even more than I do. I have so many other stipulations and requirements... but I so often neglect to be preparing myself for what my future spouse is looking for.
My favorite quote from one of the pastors at my church was about "preparing yourself" or whatever and it has always stuck with me:
"Strive to become the person that you are looking for is looking for."
How am I working on myself now to become the woman of God that I need to be? Forget preparing myself for some guy in my future, but am I striving to become the Godly person that I can be?
All of You, Lord, and none of me.
***
Lots of prayers lately. It's insane to see how far I've come in my relationship with God such a few short amount of time.
To go from being very depressed and struggling with everything, to free and living in His control? Like, WHAT.
That's a miracle.
I get the victory, and You get the glory, Lord.
******
I've a bajillion and one thoughts running through my head, but I'll save those for another day, another post. In the meantime, I'll be praising God for all that He has done and will do in me.
He will provide me with strength for this break, for the next semester, and for my life.
He has blessed me so much already with a great end to the year, completely amazing friends...
Like, AH. Why do I still find such crazy things to complain and gripe about when it is so obvious that He is doing amazing things in me and all the people around me.
<3jen
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