thwack

Thwack. 

Hayden's little pointer made direct contact with Allison's eyeball. Tears immediately ensued. 

"I'm sorry, Allison!" was repeated over and over. 

Hayden turned to me confusedly. "Ms. B, I said I'm sorry! Why won't she stop crying?" 

***

How often do we (namely I) do this? Expect an apology to heal the intense hurt (physical or emotional) and then life will carry on... But life doesn't work like that, does it? 

It reminds me of this song I heard the other day… “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North. 

"We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop

But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of mercy and Your grace”

Words hurt. But the right ones from the right Person can heal.

Just something to think about. 

old writings

I've been cleaning out a lot lately. REALLY cleaning. Throwing away bags and bags of things and keeping only what i really need or want.
anyways.
i stumbled across these notes i had written back when I was frustrated with church, God and everyone in general. There is so much hate, so much hurt, but so raw that I thought i'd share in the hopes that you might look around and notice someone else who hurts as much now as I did back then.

on point. 2015.

The urban dictionary defines on point as “up to par, ready to perform at best, and ready to get down to business.”* And that’s how I want this year to go. 

I recently read a blog post** about how to set resolutions for the upcoming year when you so failed your resolutions from the year prior. I didn’t stick to a routine of exercise and health or life without abandon or regret. It is hard to put those back on my list for this year, but as the blog post wrote “And the truth is: Your New Year doesn’t need to-do lists like it needs to-God-be-the-glory lists!”

So what that I didn’t do all that I wanted to, but for this next year? It’s not about succeeding at my goals, per se, but to bring God glory in all areas of my life. So here’s to an on point 2015:

Spiritually:

·      Learn to be more aware of God’s constant presence around me

·      Tithe… because I’ve never really done that consistently and I feel the Spirit nudging me to do so

·      Go back to Guatemala (and learn Spanish before then)

Physically:

·      Eat normally and healthily (no binging or emotional eating)

·      Stick to a consistent workout routine

·      Don't go back for seconds.

Socially: 

·      Cook more. For myself, for others.

·      Write more encouraging notes (instead of just texting people)

·      Become known as the girl who never complains... I do think this is possible!!

Here's to a fresh start, a new beginning. 

<3jen

*the other definition of on point according to the urban dictionary is “not drunk/stoned” but I didn’t think that I needed to work on that haha

**I read this article from Ann Voskamp’s blog… dang she’s an amazing writer: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/12/how-to-step-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-want-a-do-over-on-the-last-year/

Rest in peace, dear one

I was scrolling through Facebook, wasting time as usual and trying to avoid studying when I stumbled across a mother's post on a friend of mine's wall. It was so guilt-ridden with obviously so much pain behind the words. Surprised, I kept reading and discovered that my friend had killed himself a few weeks earlier.
I may not have seen him or talked to him in years, and we may have never been extremely close, but it still breaks my heart.
Cause that could have been me.
I know exactly the pain he was feeling that led him to take his own life. I just hate that no one was there to stop him, to point him to freedom and healing.
I kept reading the posts his friends and family had written all over his wall about how much he was loved and showed love.
"Rest in Peace."
I don't know what I believe about whether people go to heaven or hell if they kill themselves. But I do know that this young man is so loved by God and everyone else.
To those of you out there who are struggling with depression and wanting to end it all -- don't.
You are loved. You are cared about. And your life matters.
<3jen

Month of firsts (part 2)

As I worked through my month of firsts, I realized something. Every day has a first of its own - whether or not we are aware of it. There are endless things we do for the first time without realizing it. And as I struggled through finding new things to do every day, I realized something else.
This month wasn't about firsts, but about gathering courage to tackle life's new adventures without abandon.
And when I realized that, everything made sense. Why are firsts so thrilling? Because you're proud of yourself for not being too afraid to do something.
So go do something new. Wrangle up some courage and just do it. You've got this.

**

• drove a motorbike
• ran a real 5k
• ate at Zoe's
• made crockpot hot chocolate (and it was AMAZING)
• played guitar in front of my class
• got a mani/pedi
• drove my dog in my car (dumb sounding, but it was quite the adventure)
• made a cinnamon roll cake (which was AMAZING)
• paid a speeding ticket :( 
• got fingerprinted (for DHR)
• photographed a proposal
• WITNESSED a proposal 

**

My favorite first was definitely getting a tattoo... I'm still super proud of that one. ;) 

Here's to finishing out the year with courage. 

<3jen

she laughs.

I'm not really afraid much of heights or bugs or things of that type. I don't necessarily enjoy public speaking per se, but I'm not terrified of it. I used to say that I wasn't really afraid of anything... but that's not true.

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared to grow up. I'm scared of being a failure.

Those fears are different than your typical phobias of external problems. They reveal a trust issue.

**

I had lunch a few weeks ago with one of my close friends from years past. Somehow we got to talking about my upcoming graduation and how it was so scary and rushing up quickly. And suddenly she dropped this wisdom bomb on me. 

"I was reading in my Bible the other day and came across this verse and it stumped me. 

She is clothed in strength and dignity, she laughs without fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25)

How is it possible that someone can laugh in the face of the future?"

Through the remainder of our conversation, the answer became clear. This woman (the ideal woman. the one we all strive to become.) knows what she faces will be horrible. She knows that what all can go wrong, will more than likely go wrong at one point in time.

But she holds onto a greater hope.

She can be joyous despite what comes because she knows that whatever it is -- be it terrible or wonderful -- it will be a blessing to her. God will grow her through it. 

But the problems she will face? Her God is so much greater than any attack of the devil. And at his futile attempts to break her apart -- she laughs. 

Month of firsts (part 1)

SO.
I haven't been the best at doing something new EVERY single day, but I've done a whole lot of firsts and that's been really exciting.

So here is a short list of what all new things I have done so far this month:

• got a tattoo (whoa i know.. "I decided that it was about time for the scars on one side of my wrist to have a permanent counter as a reminder of God's constant love -- despite any hurts that are brought to the table. #2timothy17 #twloha")
• painted with chalkboard paint
• rode a motorcycle (ahhh, I want one now!!)
• went to a wedding shower without my mom 
• ordered a coffee with four shots of expresso (can you say ENERGY)
• ate a cupcake sandwich
• saw oreo cows
• drank a cortado coffee (it was SO strong but really good :) 
• skyped with my boyfriend's parents
• took pictures in a hayfield
• ate a "sweet pea" fry.. or something like that. it was actually really good.
• made a C on a test (at least I hope it's a C.. ha)

I'm sure there were a few others that I can't remember.. but I'll add them when I remember them. In the meantime, here are a few pictures of my firsts.. mainly with food -- which is boring to some people, but whatever :) 

Guitar picks and tears

I found a guitar pick under my bed and it made me cry. 

Thinking back over this past year and I'm overwhelmed by time lost. 

I sit here. In the middle of the floor. Alone. 

Surrounded by empty shelves and the skeleton of a broken friendship. 

The worst part of all? I feel like it's all of my fault. 

The ghosts of old memories flutter by, stirring the cobwebs... And I can't help but regret my whole life. 

The guilt is deafening and the heartbreak is crushing. 

This is hard. This is terribly hard. I'm pretty sure this is the hardest thing I've ever done. 

But there's a rainbow up ahead. A glimmer of hope. Barely there, but slightly visible if you squint hard enough. 

Maybe one day it will be restored.

God help me push forward. 

<3jen

caring

i honestly don't think anyone reads this blog anymore, but if you do... please say a prayer for me and my best friend.

Life is really hitting us hard right now. I'm torn between caring about someone and caring for them and caring for my life too... Trusting God is definitely the only way I'm making it through this trial.

Life sucks a lot. But it's worth it, I know. Just gotta make sure everyone still remembers that.
<3jen

To do list for this semester

I don't want this to be the worst semester of my life.

Last fall was the best four months of school in my life. I grew in my faith, I gained a best friend, and I was confident in myself and had such a passion for people. I want that back.

These past three weeks have started off terribly, but as I'm constantly reminded by the people in my life... "It's not always about where you start off, but where you choose to go from there."

So, this is my to do list for this semester. Things to keep me active and involved in life and not simply mulling into school and bemoaning the struggle of it all.

Here's to a fabulous second to last semester of senior year:

1. Get callouses on my fingers again from playing guitar so much

2. Do a "month of firsts" again (in October. At least that is my plan.)

3. Become brave and get a tattoo (really? you ask.. yeah, really.) 

4. Develop and stick to a routine of being both physically and spiritually in check

5. Get dinner or coffee with someone different every week – stay caught up on people’s lives

6. Become known as the girl who never complains and just goes with the flow

7. Pray first, listen second, and act last.

I know I'll think of a billion more, so i'll keep adding as I'm thinking.. but for now, those are my goals.

<3jen

afraid

I'm afraid of people. (and I realized this last night)

It's dumb really. I generalize the few times that I've been hurt to mean that everyone will leave when they realize the true me. And that's terrifying.

Sure, I have had a somewhat of a rough patch in my past, but I'm alive and healed today! So why do I still fear that if someone finds out what I struggle with, then they'll leave me by the wayside?

Why am I afraid of people and their abilities to hurt me?

***

At the LIFE retreat a couple months ago, someone spoke over me that if God intended a friendship to be formed, he will see it through until completion.

And something about that ministered to me.

I need to lose the fear of people. Lose the fear of not having someone physically with me for me to love. And lose the fear of loss in general.

Cause all I could ever need in a relationship is right here. with me. all the time!

Not only do I need to trust in God's capability of keeping me with whom I need to be, but I need to rely solely on him. May he help me to be ever dependent upon him, and not the relationships that will fail me.

<3jen

beauty through the rubble

"As the flowers poke through the rubble of the tornado-stricken houses, I'm reminded yet again of God's grace shining through my brokenness."

look up

http://blog.petflow.com/a-video-everyone-needs-to-see/

That video? It stepped on my toes.

So many times I've already noticed myself drifting away from conversation and into my phone. Conversing with people not here with there are people right in front of me who long to hear my voice.

How did this happen? When did I get so obsessed?

Something to break free of. Something to wade through.

So goodbye to ignoring real people and speaking only to names.

I'm going to find that balance, cause i don't want to live with regrets and closed doors, lost friendships and hurt feelings.

***
Food for thought.
<3jen

finish well.

"It's not about how you start; all that matters is how you finish."

I was sitting in yet another class, on yet another Monday, without any motivation for the rest of this semester. I was content with mainly B's this semester and not having to work hard these last few weeks... but then Dr. Powell dropped this nugget and it struck a chord with me.

So many of the weeks of this semester I completely checked out. I was physically in class, taking notes, being tested... but in reality, I was dead inside. Some days I had no emotion, others just no desire to live or really even do anything.

But yet, there was grace abounding all the more.

I struggled. I pulled people down. I didn't breathe life into people. I failed quizzes and bombed tests. I  complained constantly. I hurt myself and everyone around me.

"God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us." (Acts 17:27)

Somehow I've survived. Well, almost. I still have four weeks left of this semester and am void of any motivation. But I'm fighting back.

I'm not gonna write this semester off as the worst one of my life... sure, it's been one of the hardest. But looking back? It's had so many good blessings in the midst of all of the crap.

God's been working. Always working.

I'm not going to be satisfied with a mediocre finish. I'm not gonna beat myself up for all the mistakes I made this semester. I'm taking a new perspective to finish it out.

It's not about reflecting on our debt -- all that God has to forgive us for. All our struggles and hurts. But it's about reflecting on how much we've been forgiven. How gladly He paid our debt. How much He loves us despite it all.


Stay strong. Finish well.
<3jen

Times

I can't play the guitar very well. I pluck and twang and can barely carry a melody, let alone strum it to sound like a song. But lately it has become my solace.

I can only play about three songs well, but there has been one song lately that makes me cry every time. It speaks to my very soul - and epitomizes every part of my life.

Just had to share.
<3jen

"Times"

I know I need You

I need to love You

I'd love to see You but it's been so long 

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

I need to hear You

Is that so wrong

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Now You pull me near You

When we're close I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done 

Are You done forgiving

Or can You look past my pretending, Lord

I'm so tired of defending what I've become

What have I become

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh 

I hear You say

My love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between 

The times that you doubt me

When you can't feel

The times that you question

Is this for real 

The times you're broken

The times that you mend

The times you hate me

And the times that you bend 

Well my love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between 

The times that you're healing

And when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace 

The times you're hurting

The times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal 

In times of confusion

In chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame 

I'm there through your heart-ache

I'm there in the storm

My love I will keep you by my power alone 

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been

I'll never forsake you

My love never ends

It never ends

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

humility

My entire life, I grew up being told to think "less of myself and more of others." Aka, beat yourself down and serve others without a thought of yourself.
To be humble, you must not accept compliments but think of yourself as absolutely nothing. Worthless. Not deserving of any kind word or deed.

And then at LIFE group tonight, my group leader defined humility as something totally different and it changed my view of what I had been taught about humility and self-worth my whole life.

"Humility does not mean you think any less of yourself, but changes your focus."

I'm not basing my self-worth on how terrible I am in comparison to others. I'm basing it on God's view of me. I'm not focused on how I don't deserve something, but how worthy God is for making me like this and saving me.

It's not that I am to think less of myself as in "I am a terrible person" but to think less often of myself. To focus on other people and serve them, but do so because of love not because "if you don't serve people all the time you are prideful."

I've always thought that thinking of myself at all was selfish. Thinking good thoughts of myself means that I'm self-centered and stuck up.

But maybe tonight God has spoken into me that my view of this is wrong.
I don't have to beat myself down in order to be humble. It's not a sin to accept compliments. I don't have to constantly tear myself down. I can accept other people's encouragements and in turn breathe life into them.
Fill myself up to overflowing so that I can pour God's love and truth into other people's lives.
<3jen

Random

I always get these strange twitter followers nearly every day. People I've never heard of, companies I don't care about, and about once a day some Christian account. 

But today I got followed by some account like that and instead of immediately blocking them like usual, I stopped to look at their tweets. 

And this one popped up. 

Definitely something I needed to be reminded of today... 

"Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is."

<3jen

Patience and faith

Growing up, I was taught that if you asked for a character trait, God would put you in a situation to grow in that area. 

Specifically, patience. 

According to basically everyone I knew as an child, if you asked for patience God would send trials and annoying people or events your way in which you could build up your patience levels. 

And He would give no help.

But my views have changed now. What kind of loving God would throw His beloved children into a challenge with no lifeline?

That would be like an Olympic gymnast only training at competitions.

It's insane. And extremely stupid. 

So this thought has been giving me hope today in other requests as well. If I pray for faith, He's not gonna send me a difficulty just so I can do it on my own...

That's the key. 

We're not on our own. 

While, yes, we may stumble upon situations in which we can grow in these characteristics, but we will never do it alone. God has given us strength. He has already won the battle. We have the victory. 

<3jen

The opposition

Everyone always says that "how you treat other people and what you think about them is a reflection of how you view yourself."

But that's not how it is with me. 

There is this incredible love for people instilled inside of me that I can't help but care about people. I don't struggle with thoughts of anger or judgment towards really anyone honestly truly. I feel such compassion and moved to talk to people and encourage them. 

And that should make no sense. 

I beat myself up for making the littlest mistakes but can "overlook a multitude of offenses" in others? I can dole out heartfelt compliments until the cows come home, but will not believe a single one told to me?

Why is this?? Does this mean that there is something wrong with me?

The Bible says to "love your neighbor as yourself." heck, I would have no friends if I did that! 

Why am I this reverse from the norm? Why do my actions towards people not reflect my feelings towards myself?

***

Just what I've been chewing on lately. 

<3jen

Temptation

On my four-hour drive home today, I was listening to sermons like I usually do, when PC said something that struck a chord with me. 

It was a really boring sermon about how Jesus knows what were going through (all good stuff, but only the bajillionth time I've heard it) and I was just about to switch to a "more appropriate" message when pastor Chris began to talk about Jesus' temptations. 

This also wasn't a new topic to me. But the thought that sprang into my head was. 

I so often view my temptations as failures. That I've let those thoughts creep into my head. I basically view any temptation I have as a sin. 

But Jesus never sinned. 

What makes my temptations any worse than his? What makes mine sin and his not?

Nothing. My temptation doesn't mean something is wrong with me. Should I act on them, yes. That would be a sin. Be it a desire to lie or cuss or mope around, those all would become sin if I gave in. But the temptation itself is not a mode of defeat. 

In fact, it's a victory that it's just a thought not an action. 

Take every thought captive. Dispel the lies. Stand firm in Gods truth. 

***

That was super long and rambly, but I just had to share. That's a revelation for me. Food for thought. 

<3jen