i can begin to understand...

I grew up in pretty much a perfect Christian home.

I mean, sure. My parents had their fair share of failures and struggles. They came from broken marriages and made many mistakes in raising my sister and I, but I never went to bed fearful for where they would go if they died or if they'd still be married when I got up for school in the morning.

Because of this, it has been so hard for me to empathize with people who grew up with that. Who explain that they heard every night the constant fighting and yelling and feared for their parents and their own futures.

The turmoil my extended family expressed in shouts and sobs tonight, I'm sure, does not compare to being a young child and wondering if your parents still love each other. But now I can begin to understand. The pain and hurt shown through the tears and raised voices was something I wish I could forget forever.

I cry now not for the pain I overheard in my living room, but for the families who had to and still listen to that hurt every night.

May God pour out his peace on all those families this Christmas season... and may resolution and grace be extended to all sides.

<3jen

Christmas break and other random thoughts

The number one question everyone asks me when I'm back home (followed closely by "are you dating anyone?" and "how are your grades?") is if I'm glad to be home.

and I'm not.

Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my family. And I'm so glad to get to spend time with them! And I love Christmas and I love spending Christmas with them.

But this isn't home anymore.

To be honest? I cried the whole drive from Auburn back to my house.
Am I being selfish? Obviously, yes.
Should I suck it up and make my mom happy and stay here the rest of the break? Yes. and I'll stay.
Will I have a good attitude about it all? It's what I'm praying about constantly.

Less of me, and more of You, Lord.

***

I have had several Skype conversations with my best friend about her recent trip to Haiti. Hearing how God move in that trip and how He changed her and so many of the other people on her trip? Absolutely incredible... that's what led to the tears and the discussions that came up this afternoon...

**

I had coffee with one of my good friends from my old church today.

She's graduating high school soon and fixing to attend college to double major in English education and Spanish education. She's going to either teach in the slums of America or go to a third-world, Spanish-speaking country and start a school there after college.

Just talking to her encouraged my dream of moving to Central America and loving on and teaching the people there. But I got to thinking, I know little-to-know Spanish, and I have no plans of how to get down there, what I'm going to do or anything. And while I feel like God is calling me to do this, I truly haven't listened to His voice for direction.

Until today.

I was stuck in stand-still traffic and I had a life-changing moment. I talked with God and verbally gave everything about my future to Him. (Side note: A few weeks ago I gave everything in my present life to God... and that changed my outlook on everything in the now. but I guess I was still holding onto a little control of my future there that I didn't realize... key word: WAS.)

I didn't realize how anxious I was about my life after college. Like, I'm graduating super young, I don't know where I'm going, I'm terrified of having to move back home... And above all, I'm scared of what God is going to do in me. Like it says in Ephesians 3:20-21:

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."

Immeasurably more than all I can even imagine?! like, that's SO SCARY to think about. But now it's less scary and more so insanely exciting.

I mean, even if it turns out that God just wants me to teach in a normal school in America, I pray that I can do so with such passion and joy as I would in another country.

Now as for other thoughts about preparing myself... I need to learn Spanish. like, that's super important. I also need to figure out where in Central America that God is calling me to... and then doing an internship. Maybe right out of college I can do that for a year and see what's next. I mean, who said that I have to start "work" right after I graduate? Also, who's gonna hire a 20-year-old to be a teacher?!

But no matter what, GOD IS IN CONTROL. and I don't care what He's going to make me do, because I know in all things, it will be marvelous.

Most of You, Lord, and least of me.

***

Another thought I had today, tied into yet another of the questions that any college student gets asked by the world: "are you dating anyone?"

I am really content in not dating anyone right now. Like, of course, a boyfriend would be awesome. But as a whole, that's not my purpose right now. But it does worry me a bit. I mean, who wants to grow up an old maid?!

But, I talked about that with God today.

My future husband will have to be mission-minded and love Jesus as much and even more than I do. I have so many other stipulations and requirements... but I so often neglect to be preparing myself for what my future spouse is looking for.

My favorite quote from one of the pastors at my church was about "preparing yourself" or whatever and it has always stuck with me:

"Strive to become the person that you are looking for is looking for."

How am I working on myself now to become the woman of God that I need to be? Forget preparing myself for some guy in my future, but am I striving to become the Godly person that I can be?

All of You, Lord, and none of me.

***

Lots of prayers lately. It's insane to see how far I've come in my relationship with God such a few short amount of time.

To go from being very depressed and struggling with everything, to free and living in His control? Like, WHAT.

That's a miracle.

I get the victory, and You get the glory, Lord.


******
I've a bajillion and one thoughts running through my head, but I'll save those for another day, another post. In the meantime, I'll be praising God for all that He has done and will do in me.

He will provide me with strength for this break, for the next semester, and for my life.
He has blessed me so much already with a great end to the year, completely amazing friends...

Like, AH. Why do I still find such crazy things to complain and gripe about when it is so obvious that He is doing amazing things in me and all the people around me.

<3jen

thankful

This week, I've realized all the other great relationships that also helped me through this semester and I wanted to thank them on here... even though they will probably never read it. But hey, it's the thought that counts, because it really does mean SO MUCH to me what y'all do. And you will never know the insane impact y'all have made on my life!!

**

For my favoritest pen pal/best friend, Suzu, you never fail to encourage me. You are always there for me and are always praying for me and that means so much... you never get upset with me for taking ages to write you back and that's crazy. you're super patient and have been through a lot with me... thank you so much!!

For my sweet sister, I know that you read this to catch up with me and that means a lot. I know that you are always just a phone call away for me to talk to you about anything. And I appreciate that.
(oops. already crying)
For my guy friends (who I get made fun of for texting all the time... haha... no shame!), y'all are like my brothers. You are so uplifting and encouraging ALWAYS. I love when y'all ask for prayers and when you in turn pray for me as well. Thank you for being family!!

For all of my friends who I have slacked on keeping up with on a regular basis, thank you for actually understanding and not hating me for not always asking about your life. I am going to work on rebuilding those relationships, so thank y'all for hanging on with me... y'all are fabulous.

And all the few adult mentors in my life, and of course my parents!! thank y'all. Your sound advice and loving, but not judging nature, really is an inspiration to me.

**

I LOVE YOU ALL.
<3jen

Best semester of my life

And I don't say that jokingly. 

Sure, I have had some absolutely horrible moments and days and weeks... But the good has sooooo far outweighed that. 

(I'm actually sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks just remembering it all...)

But I honestly think that the biggest factor of this amazing semester was God... The things He has done in my life, our relationship I am working on, the people He has blessed me with, the things I've become a part of, the opportunities I have had... It's been a crazy whirlwind of a semester and I don't think anything really could have made it better. 

My two favorite moments this semester are as follows:

My very close second favorite thing about this semester was the amazing best friend that God blessed me with. I have been praying ever since senior year of highschool to meet that one person who would be there for me and help me keep God as the focus of my life, and in turn me learn to love God through loving them. Throughout my couple semesters here, I have developed good friendships with some, and great ones with others, but I never had that one friend who I could tell all and be told all... Until September 13(ish), when I met Katie. I'm not going to bore the world with all of our crazy stories and adventures and inside jokes and late nights, but know that this girl has helped me through so much this semester and it just blows my mind how much she still cares about me even though she knows all my crap. Through her, I have come to a realization of how much God loves me. Unconditionally. And for all the support and love and time and effort and frustration and texts and hope and encouragement that has come about from this friendship, I thank my God daily. Katie, you are the best human I know. ;) thank you for letting me be your bestie. 

But my most favorite moment (helped along by Katie and our church's [church of the highlands] college minister of course) was realizing that God actually can and wants to heal me. It's not something I have to earn, not something I can work towards, but a revelation of who He is and a relationship with Him that will change everything. He broke me this semester, and because of that I can feel strength rising up in my bones. I have God on my side, who can be against me?

***

So while this semester draws to a close, may I keep focused on what amazing things God has in store for the next few years of my life. May I learn well so I can love much. May each semester be considered "the best year yet!"

<3jen

what if...

What if I am the reason that I have not gotten 100% healed?
What if it's because I don't really want to be healed?
What if I am never healed because I don't accept how to be healed?
What if God actually can't help me because I won't let Him?
What if it's all because I can't fully trust God with every piece of crap in my life?

What if God gets so tired of me doing the same things over and over that He will be too sick of me to help?

I'm just a frustrating problem sometimes, I know.
oh well.
<3jen

Trust

I need to practice trusting God with every thing. If I really have given him total control of my life, why am I fretting about the little things? I need to trust that he is gonna work out the timing of this surgery so I can survive next semester. That he is going to work through this whole roommate situation. That he has his plan for my life despite what I fear. 

Psalm 40:4

4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

<3jen

Constant crier

"Hi, my name is Jenna, and I am a constant crier."

When I went through my depression phase way long ago, I never cried. Sometimes I would when I was alone, but NEVER in front of other people. 

Now, I cry all the time. 

I thought at first it was because I hadn't cried for a long that I was just making up for lost time and it was just a phase. 

But it wasn't a phase. And now I cry at the drop of a hat. 

Not like a sensitive cry. Not like "that hurt my feelings I'm going to go cry now" cry but a "ohmygosh that's so sweet/touching/beautiful/ugly/perfect/loving/delicious"...

It's bad y'all. 

But it begs the question, is it really a bad thing? Do I need to work on not crying so much?

Just a thought for the day. 

<3jen

"Have a heart"

"Jenna... Gosh... Have a heart!"

That cut deep. 

I like to think that I'm a compassionate person, care for those around me, love everyone... But I guess deep down that's not true. 

I'm focused on myself. 

I care only about what's best for me. 

Everyone else comes second to my desires and needs. 

That really sounds awful to write, but I know it's true. 

How do I change? How do I focus less on myself and more on others?

Reminds me of the song I used to sing at VBS every summer:

“J-O-Y

J-O-Y

This is what it means!

Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between!”

**

I was listening to a sermon about overcoming depression and Pastor Cheis said something that really peirced me:

"When you are depressed, it is so easy to become wrapped up in your problems that you don't meet your full potential, you don't reach everyone you could reach, you don't bring glory to God!"

Ouch. 

***

I need a renewed mindset. 

<3jen

 

I love my job.

I love getting to wander around and take photos and say "I'm with the plainsman" and get in free everywhere. I love the thrill of opening up the paper and seeing my work printed there. I love most of the people I work with, the atmosphere of the office, and the comradarie of everyone. 

I also hate many aspects of my job. But they are generally easy to overlook. 

I feel like a quitter, but I'm not reapplying for next semester. I'm not quitting because of things I hate though but because I'm going to become more involved at church. Which partly makes me even more sad to leave the Plainsman because over the past few weeks, I've talked to several people in there about God... But I just do not want to give a half-spirit effort into the plainsman BECAUSE of church stuff. Like I don't want them to be turned off church because I am always slacking on my work. I mean, I would give it my 100% I just don't think I could always be there. Like journalism isn't my life. It is for a lot of these people! I can always do it over the summer or next fall again. It's not like it's a one time thing! 

But onto the positive.
 The reason I'm going to be so crazy busy at church is because i'm taking a leap of faith and getting involved in a lot. I'm going to go to Guatemala over spring break, so I'll have a weekly small group of getting to know everyone in my small group extra well... AH. so excited about that!! but that's another post for another time. So in addition to that, and doing a LIFE group with Katie (hopefullyyyy cause that would make my semester ballin.), i'm going to do 252, which is an internship kinda thing at church. SUPER excited about that too!
So basically, in addition to my 17 hours of difficult classes, I'll be living at church. :) Which is fantastic.
***
And I know none of y'all really care about any of that, but it felt good to write it all out and prove to myself that I'm not a quitter. Now just to tell my boss...
<3jen

Storybook Farm

This semester I was forced to help in a weekly service learning location for my foundations of education class. I chose the one that said something about special needs children, photography, and horses. It sounded interesting enough, so I chose it. 

Storybook Farm. 

Nothing really what I expected. So many days I hated it. 30 minute drive: one way. 4.5 hours every Tuesday. Kicked, hit, or had rocks thrown at by kids. Grouchy parents, rude siblings, violent horses. 

But today it clicked. 

One of the children I worked with on this blustery Tuesday had ridden horses at Storybook for several years. He didn't need an arm-over-thigh hold so I just got to walk beside him and talk to him as he was riding. Really sweet little boy. But all he had ever done on a horse was walk, so today we got to let him experience trotting. The smile he got from the five seconds of quick walking lit up his entire face, which in turn lit up my and the leader's face. I feel like that is how God feels when we experience joy in something so wonderful that He initiated for us. How beautiful is that??

I also got to talk to his grandmother and a few other parents these past couple weeks. They would say things about how it had been a rough week or how grateful they were for this hour of relaxation for them or how much their child loved coming here. We got to breathe life into the tired parents in addition to helping these children work through mental and physical disabilities. 

And I mean, over the course of the whole semester there were some very awesome moments. I got to make some new, super sweet friends. Got to let a miniature cow for the FIRST TIME. #inlove And just overall get to love on the children. I've learned a lot about special needs children and how to react in certain situations. My heart goes out to these children and I have a new respect for special education teachers. And that hour drive has been good meditation and mind-clearing time. Always something good. God knows what He's doing. 

<3jen

Singing

Glasses really are the best at hiding bloodshot eyes. 

And I really shouldn't even be crying because it's so stupid. 

I guess it's just my whole life I've told myself that I wasn't a good singer and I wasn't worthy to do any sort of worship ministry. Then this semester, so many people spoke life into me that I was good enough and was beautiful and talented and I should do it. 

Then I audition for worship team at church and surprise surprise my voice is not good enough nor am I the right stereotype to do it. 

I mean I should've known it. And really, I guess I wasn't doing it for the right reasons anyways. I'm dealing with too much right now to truly glorify God in leading others also. 

Oh well. God is calling me to something else I suppose. 

Cest la vie. 

<3jen

overthinking

I over-think things way too much.

Most of the time people are just joking with me, and I know that. I know that they don't mean it when they say "we can't be friends anymore!" or "I'm not going to talk to you ever again!" but I still can't help but wonder if there is a grain of truth in what they're saying.

(I think I've blogged about this before, but I'm too lazy to go look and see right now. so, sorry if I have)

I mean, really though. What if they are really telling the truth in a sarcastic way? What if they're too scared to tell me that my story really freaks them out and they don't want to talk to me again?

STOP.
JENNA.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (matt 6)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (john 14)

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." (prov 12)

"I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.." (psalm 16)

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him" (psalm 28)

"They will have no fear of bad news;  their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD." (psalm 112)

Okay, God. I get it. 
I know that this concept of not worrying about every little thing people say to me is an easy idea... but the carrying out of it is very difficult, near to impossible!! But that is what God is here to help me with? I just need to be 100% content in HIM not in what other people say to me. 


***
that was my random thought of the day. you're welcome.
<3jen

I feel like there's an elephant on my chest. It's been several years since this old haunt has been around. I know it's wrong, but it's so hard to fight this depression sometimes, ya know? Maybe you don't know, but I would appreciate prayers nonetheless. 

<3jen

I know that it is just Satan whispering lies into my head 99.99999% of the time, but sometimes it's hard to detect if it's him or actual common sense. 

Praying for clarity. 

<3jen

Half two: days 17-31

October 17: "If you had told me three years ago that I would be outside an arc church right now listening to hard core music with a bunch of hipster Christians, I would've laughed in your face."

October 18: Shot my first football game for a legit newspaper. It was homecoming for Auburn High School versus Lee Montgomery. I shot it for the OA news… totally awkward, but cool? Not necessarily sure I want to repeat that experience again.

October 19: Went to the Syrup Soppin’ with my family… first time there, and first time to try legit cane syrup. SUPER yummy.

October 20: Told my full story to someone. Awful, ugly current struggles and all. No photo for this one because it wasn't pretty. 

October 21: Went to ONE prayer for the first time… aka a prayer service for our college service. Aka the most awesome night of my week. ALSO went to the emergency room for the first time. Not for me, but I took a friend. He’s okay and we didn’t even stay for more than an hour but it was still a first.. haha

October 22: Sang with a worship band in front of people for the first time… I mean, I sing with The Butterbean Band at nursing homes, but this is totally different. Leading people in worship to God as opposed to just singing a solo? Much more enjoyable.

October 23: Ate a coffee bean. Never done that or even desired to do that before. It was disgusting, in case you were wondering, but I ate it nonetheless.

October 24: Made a C on a test. That was my first. And I pray to goodness that NEVER happens again. (And then Katie bought me hot chocolate and all was well with the world) (update:: went and met with my teacher and got a B instead... Guess that kinda nulls this first, but whatevs)

October 25: I handed out pizza on the concourse with ONE people. I’ve never handed anything out on the concourse. But it was awesome. A smile and a pizza!

October 26: Carved pumpkins for the first time without my dad… but it was still SUPER fun.

October 27: Had my first Highlands worship meeting… one step closer to getting to use my gifts for something other than getting compliments or singing in the shower! Very awesome.

October 28: I don't really have a good first for this day... I got ready for school in exactly four minutes cause I had turned all of my alarms off in my sleep. Then I just felt like crap all day... Whatever. It's casual. 

October 29: Attended my first soccer game. Not my favorite sport still, but I don’t HATE it anymore. I guess that’s a plus. :)

October 30: I completely ignored a text today. I've never really done that before. I feel absolutely horrible but it had to be done I guess. Blahhh (most people wouldn't consider that a first, but whatever)

October 31: ordered clothes online. horrible first to end this month on, but it's all I could think of!

Bonus:: better way to end my month of firsts -- shot my first courthouse wedding today. It was beautiful and sweet and I'm excited about the photos. :) #sootc

Worship?

I love to sing. 

A part of me just lights up when a perfect harmony is made or when a beautiful note is sung. 

But my whole life I've believed (for some crazy reason) that singing is only worshipful when you are actually meaning every word you sing and not focused at all on the music or how you or anyone else sounds. 

**

Last week I was talking with one of my friends on the production team at church. I was asking all sorts of questions about lighting boards and gels - you know, just being the inquisitive person that I am - when I asked him if the team gets to worship while they're in the booth. He stopped dead in his tracks, looked at me, and said "Get to worship? God created me to do production! I worship Him through my talents, through lighting and   sound, through creating an atmosphere for others to freely encounter God!" 

And that really struck a new thought inside of me. 

What if my singing was a method of worship to God? I mean, I know that the words are important and I do try to always mean what I sing, but those times when I focus on hitting the right notes and making a joyful noise unto The Lord (scripture quoting. What what)? That's worship. 

He created me to sing. He created me to love music. When I am using my talents, my passions, to bring Him glory, there is no greater worship than that. 

<3jen

firsts: days 1 - 16

My firsts. In all their glorious and hideousness. :)

October 1: Pulled my first all-nighter at college... Went and worshiped under the stars and made waffles at 2am.

October 2: Watched the sun rise for the first time in my life. Well, we missed the initial part, but we saw the sun peek over the horizon and it was beautiful. 

October 3: Ate ribs for the first time in three years. Not a true first, but still pretty momentous. 

October 4: shot my first college basketball game... AH. loved it.

October 5: actually made toilet paper stick to whatever I was rolling for first time... Finally getting those biceps. ;)

October 6: first time to be truly acquainted with my life verse... big deal.

October 7: (lots of firsts on this day) first time eating Panda Express, first time riding the night transit, and first time drinking coffee or anything with caffiene in it!

October 8: Went and stayed at wafflehouse until after midnight after small group... 

October 9: Got my cartilage pierced and went to Motion Night at Highlands for the first time. 

October 10: not a good first, but it was the first time that I wrote a paper the night before it was due... Worshipping Jesus came first. No shame. 

October 11: first hard core concert. And it was absolutely amazing.

October 12: Learned to play the guitar... Taught by the amazing Katie! Praises.

October 13: first time buying things at a farmer's market... 

October 14: ONE prayer. Best experience. Love worshipping and praying with some of my favorites. 

October 15: learned how to do a swing dance flip at small group... Holla

October 16: shot my first photo journalism assignment... (it was this sweet cancer survivor, and she actually went to my church! crazy. divine encounter.)

Here's to the second half of this month and many many new opportunities!

Month of firsts, explanation

Everyone is like "who are you!?" "You are not Jenna!" But in all reality, I think I'm finally figuring out who God made me to be. And it's okay. I don't have to be this perfect little Christian homebody. I can be passionately in love with God and life and I don't have to be ashamed of that! 

So, this week I've done something new every single day. And last night as I was talking to Katie about it, I was like "I hate for this week to end, because I have love all of these new experiences!" And she suggested making it a month. So here's to October, my month of firsts. 

To anyone who is reading this: 

say a prayer for me. 

Tonight has been hard. 

<3jen

Focus

In book club last night we talked about "finding God's purpose for us." Not necessarily that we have to find what He wants us to do for the rest of our lives, but that we need to be aware of His goals for us in this moment. 

One quote that was said really stuck with me: "If all you are focusing on is yourself, you become blinded to God's plan for you to love those around you."

***

Lately, I've been stressing about my photography stuff. My camera hasn't been taking that great of photos, I don't think my work is as up to par as usual, everyone is booking other people instead of me despite them saying that they're loving my work... 

Focus, Jen. 

The whole point of my photography is not because I want to be famous. God wants me to use my skills to glorify him. Which is something I have NOT been doing. I've been so wrapped up in getting praise and stuff for my photography that I've forgotten the true purpose of my even having this skill -- to share God's love through my photos. May God help me keep my focus where it needs to be and not let me be blinded by my own self-centeredness. 

******

As I've been so stressed lately, I decided to return to wisdom that J shared with me many months ago: to write out my feelings. I know that I blog on here a lot and complain and such, but I'm starting back into journaling. No censors, no guilt about being selfish, no bothering the world... just me talking through my problems. So far it's helped me see some issues in my life and all that jazz. Maybe it'll help. If not, I'll at least be ranting to myself and not some poor person I'm texting. Or you who's reading this. 

May God use my journaling to help me fight through moments of depression, be more grateful for my blessings than my trials, and to worship Him with my whole being. 

<3jen

Roomie probz

My parents keep bugging me about getting a roommate. I've emailed everyone in the roommate search list at our old church's denomination, I've talked to people, made Facebook statuses, prayed about it! But then nothing has happened and my parents get all mad at me for not finding one... What else am I supposed to do??? Argh. 

And then I come back to visit the trailer and all my old roommate has done is move out her clothes and food. Like? She's not paying rent, why does he get to store all her stuff here for free?? That's not cool. At all. But my parents think is normal? So it's okay for her to keep the keys to the trailer, but not be living here? Ughhhh. God give me patience because I could word smack her real hard right now...

<3jen

Different... But good.

Tonight has been a different sort of night... 

I've discovered things about myself that I hadn't realized before... I talked to people I haven't truly spoken with in years... I actually feel a bit of hope for my struggle with selfishness. 

God was moving tonight. I could (and can still) feel it. 

<3jen

70 times 7

I know we're supposed to forgive people 70 times seven times... But does this really mean we need to go on like this isn't the 490th time they've hurt us? 

Struggling with this today. 

<3jen

Name-saying

I love when people use my name in a conversation or when they're saying goodbye or anytime really! 

Saying "Hello Jen!" in a text means so much to me. 

I may be the only person in the world who feels this way, but oh well. It's special. 

Now, I'm off to practice my name-saying skills. :)

<3jen

Tears

My friends always laugh at how much I cry nowadays. Not in a mean sort of way, but I'm definitely a crybaby now. 

What's so funny to me is how different it is than how I used to be. 

I never cried. In public, at least. I went at least three years without even shedding a tear in front of anyone. I never spoke about my emotions to anyone, definitely not showing them except for when it was socially acceptable. 

God's really worked a wonder in me. It's really quite amazing how much I've changed. 

<3jen

Not a loser, but a lover

Every time I feel like a failure, I need to remember all my friends who have a much worse life than me. Who have flunked out of school because of their drug addictions or pregnancies or whatever. Not to make myself feel better because I have it more together than them, but because I need to realize how blessed I am. How I need to snap out of whatever sorts I'm in, use my blessed life, and reach out to them! There is always someone worse off than me... Someone I can show God's love to. 

I need to remember this. 

<3jen

Struggle day

Today has been a struggle day. And I don't really know why... All I did today was read, work out, take pictures, and be lazy. But Satan was working hard to kill my positiveness. 

I have an interview tomorrow morning at a preschool/daycare for a part-time summer hire. At least I hope it's part-time. All these last minute worries are choking me down. 

I just want everyone to be proud of me. And like me. And want to be around me! I spend more time with people here then I did at school, but it's mainly family.. Those who are forced to love me. 

I've gotta get out of this hole of self-pity and be the beautiful, friendly girl God made me. It's just so dang hard sometimes. 

<3jen

It's good.

It's good to be back. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being away at college and being on my own and living the life... But nevertheless, it's good to be back in my hometown surrounded by family and the friends I've grown up with. Sure, I've already had like three fights with my mom. But ya know, even that isn't too terrible. It's just so relieving to be able to be myself around my friends and not having to worry about what they are thinking or saying about me. If I could just take those friends and put them in my church back at auburn, life would be absolutely perfect. :)

So in all this, praise The Lord it's summer! 

<3jen

Moving up

Well, I'm moving up in the realm of my extended family... I'm no longer "J the baby cousin", but "J the photographer." I guess that's a good improvement. :) it may be all I'm good for sometimes, but at least I'm growing up in their eyes. 👍

<3jen

Pouty pants pro

So there I stood in church, pouting because no one had said a word to me besides "excuse me" when they crawled over me.

I felt invisible, worthless.

We started singing, and of course I started crying when the words sang about how faithful God is, how he's always there for us. But this wasn't really unusual. I always cry during worship. Then I go back to pouting because no one talks to me.

But tonight was different.

A older black gentleman put his stuff down in the seat next to mine and stood there sipping his coffee while the rest of the room was worshipping. Me, pouting and crying, didn't really think anything of him.... Until we sat down and I felt God tugging on me to talk to him, or since we didn't have our usual 15 seconds of meet and greet, to at least smile at him. So I did.

But that tugging feeling didn't go away.

I was scribbling notes when the man leaned over and asked me if I had any spare paper. I of course didn't, but instead, i got up (in the middle of the service, mind you) and went and got him a piece of paper. Surely then God would get off my back and let me go back to listening and pouting.

But He didn't. And I didn't go back to pouting. Something changed.

I remember what my dad always used to tell me: to make a friend, you have to be a friend. And then it hit me. I shouldn't be so preoccupied about no one talking to me when I'm not doing the talking either!

But I digress.

So after the service was over, I introduced myself to Dennis and we got to talking. He explained a bit of his life story and how he hasn't been to church lately, but wants the Holy Spirit to keep him going like it used to. So God poked me again and I asked Dennis if I could pray for him. And he said yes (really, I've never met anyone who's been extremely opposed to anyone praying for them). So there we stood, my little white college girl self putting my hand on this tall scruffy black man praying to God for healing and strength.

I don't think Dennis was the only one touched by God tonight.

My little pouty self got a revelation. Going to church isn't at all about me singing beautifully and getting compliments, or me getting something out of the sermon, or me having a good song verse to tweet about... But the whole point is to worship God through loving everyone else. And in doing so, you too will be blessed.

***

Random deep musing of the day. These have been coming a lot lately. I guess this end of the semester has left me with a lot to think about.

<3jen

Lessons from Daniel

So in church lately we've been talking about the book of Daniel and how we as Christians can make an impact in this Godless age... sounds boring and typical, but it's really been amazing.
So we were talking about the warning signs that God gives us to let us know that we aren't giving him enough of our time:
-When the risk of sinful choices are increasing.
-When your emotions become inconsistent.
-When we become less productive.
-When you can't hear God through the noise of your life.
And as Pastor Chris kept giving examples, my heart started to drop. Not because he was trying to scare us all about going to Hell if we aren't perfect, but because I realize that all of these warnings are in my life, right now. I won't go into detail, but I simply haven't felt myself these past couple months. And I guess now I know why. I've been so focused on worshiping God at church and loving people at school, that I haven't take the time to talk to God personally. And listen to Him. And love Him. Every day. Regardless of my needs and desires, but to simply spend time with him. Every day.
Definitely something to think about and CHANGE about my life this summer.

<3jen

Highs and lows... Trees and tutus... Awards and roommates...

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

It began with the cutting down of the tradition-filled great oaks of my school. Ever since I was a wee munchkin, they have been at the corner of this campus and were rolled with toilet paper after wins at games or events or any sort of celebration. Many a tear I shed for the ending of those memories. I know the trees will be replaced and things will be back to somewhat normal soon, but it is still so depressing.

But then as the day progressed I got an email saying I had won first place in my school's photo contest. (Ahhhh) And then I had a dance recital and had fun spending time with my friends... That was all good.

...Until an hour ago when my roommate dropped the bomb that her parents were buying her a place for her too live in next semester. so despite our previous agreement that we would room together this upcoming school year, I'm roommateless.

I don't know if anyone reads this (and don't really care if you read my mindless ramblings), but if you are reading this, please say a prayer for what I know is going to be a crazy process of finding another roommate. And pray that I will follow God's will and be open and loving to whoever I end up rooming with next semester.

May He use me to love others immensely and may I not stress out about this whole situation.
<3jen

Happiness

I'm sitting here watching Tangled (one of the BESTEST Disney princess movies ever), eating moose tracks ice cream, editing amazing photos from the last Toomer's corner tree rolling, and celebrating the fact that I got offered the position at the auburn student newspaper (big big deal) as the associate photo editor.
*SQUEE*
Really excited to see what that going to mean. Kinda nervous from reading the detailed job description, like it's not just going to be me taking photos. I'm going to be doing other things. In charge of things.. But then I think, ya know, God is putting me here for a reason. If He didn't want me to have this job, I wouldn't have been able to get it! And even if it's horrible, He'll teach me something through it. But more than likely, it's going to be amazing.
May He use me to reach students at Auburn in ways I can't even imagine. (And to give me peace about the responsibilities that are coming with this!!)
<3jen

Update: I'm feeling less like a horrible person now and more like I wish I had said meaner things about her while riding the transit. Haha. Good gosh. I'm awful. :P
<3jen

This is a long super dramatic story, but I've gotta vent somewhere.

So. It's Wednesday. I have dance in the morning and then one class afterwards and then I come home. So of course imma keep my tights and leotard on. Duh
So. It's finally warming up here. I'm not wearing jeans, it's way too hot! So naturally I'm going to wear tshirt, shorts and chacos. Duh
So here I am, riding the transit home with my roomie talking about bikes and somehow we briefly mention the fact that we heard our neighbors partying loudly the night before. No biggie. Natural conversation, we said nothing mean. Come on, it's me were talking about here. I don't talk mean about people. But really.
So then one of my random friends texts me this screenshot of a random girl who had instagrammed a shot of my outfit on the transit saying how disgusting it was that I was wearing nude leggings under my shorts...
So naturally my dear friend had defended me and then the stranger rebutted that we had been talking crap about her so she didnt care.

So now I'm sitting here with my roommate trying not to burst into tears because I feel so self conscious and like a horrible person.
Good gosh. My life right now is a joke.
<3jen

Roommate confessions

I honesty don't know how I'm going to love with L for a whole nother school year. I guess I just thought that we'd be instant best friends and instead I feel like the caregiver of an oblivious thirteen-year-old.
God, grant me patience.
<3jen

The inconsiderateness of others makes me have no faith in humanity. I wonder how often I'm a jerk to other people. I pray it's not as often as I notice it in others.

Learning lessons

I've learned a lot from watching my roommate and her boyfriend's relationship... Like how I DON'T want to act when I'm dating, the type of personality that a person could have to get murdered by me and how quickly I would break up with someone if I was treated like they treat each other.
I love them both to death, but gosh, they makes me never wanna date anyone until I'm over the age of 30.

<3jen

This girl.
Read this post.
Her writing so illustrates my life.

www.agloeblog.com/2013/02/mineshaft.html

Bus driver 1: "who are y'all driving around?"
Our bus driver: "the auburn university gospel choir."
Bus driver 1: "oh. Praise The Lord!"

I just want to find some really good Christian friends who encourage me in my faith and aren't always talking about getting drunk and who genuinely care about my well-being. Is that too much to ask for? AUGH. I miss my highschool friends. Sometimes I hate growing up.

<3jen

English comp 2 is my nemesis

I will get another B this semester. And it will be in English. I'm trying to tell myself that if I get above a 85 on every paper I'll be okay.
The problem is I'm good friends with the world's best writer so when she's getting 99s on everything, I feel like poop. Ah well. At least I'm not a failure at everything. I mean, I make people smile occasionally, I'm not the worst photographer, and kids seem to like me. Life's not so bad after all... Now if only this paper would write itself... ;)
<3jen

Valentine's day makes me depressed. Not because of my lack of a male partner (I really couldn't care less about that) but because of those I love.
3 years ago today my granddaddy died from lung cancer. Then Nana died 5 months later from a broken heart and Alzheimer's... It was a very, very rough time for my family.
A few minutes ago my other grandmother called to tell me that my granddad isn't doing well. In addition to his heart problems and inconsistent blood pressure, the stomachs virus is leaving him very weak. I pray that he isn't getting sick for the last time...
***
This day of frivolous romance is just another painful reminder of how short life is. So love freely today. It could be someone's last.
<3jen

Shamelessly gameless

People always ask me why I don't have any games on my electronic crap. Not on my phone, tablet, or my computer. My response? "I don't have time!"
Ive seen addict traits in certain friends of mine who are constantly on their phone. I've seen my roommate fail a test because she stayed up until 3am "destroying the world." I've seen relationships fall by the wayside when flying pigs becomes more important than the divorce of your friend's parents.
Really, America? Is your game so important that NOTHING in life appeals to you? Don't you feel guilty at all?
But really. That's why I don't have any games on my phone... I chose friends over entertainment. Why don't you give it a try? In the long run, who really cares what those four images have in common... I'd rather figure out why those four slits appeared on my friend's wrist. Wouldn't you?

<3jen

I don't necessarily struggle with forgiving people, but more so with not getting upset at their every status and every comment made about them. It's horrible really. I'm actually happy when something goes badly for them. It's something I've recently been cursed with...And I hate that I can't stop it on my own.
God, move in me. Teach me to love again.
<3jen

Birthdays

People will never be able to fully understand the accomplishment that every birthday of mine celebrates. It marks another year survived. Another year filled with God and friends and family and all the things worth living for... It's a really big deal.
So here's to 18. May I live well, love much, and be a little bit of fantasticalness to the little bit of the world I am a part of.

<3jen

Off-guard

I have gotten used to many many things here at Auburn... But I don't think I will see get used to hearing a teacher swear.
I mean, it's normal to hear my friends and peers say shit and fuck and stuff like that... But when teachers do it? It blows my mind.
I guess growing up in school where the teacher is practically preaching every other sentence, it's just not normal to me to hear them use such vulgar terms. I'll probably get used to it. just like I am used to hearing it in movies, books, friends... but still. It never fails to catch me off-guard.

<3jen

Word of the year

Usually people are all like "I thought long and hard about my word of the year" or "I prayed for hours concerning my word of the year" and these things are all good and well but my word came suddenly to me this year.
I hadn't really thought I was going to have a word, per se, for this year. But I was sitting in church on Sunday and this word slammed in my head.
Control.
That's what I struggle with. Controlling my emotions, controlling my self-discipline, control in my dancing, and most of all, surrendering my control to God.
So I don't necessarily have a list of goals or resolutions for this year, but just a simple word.
Next year at this time, I want to be able to say I've gotten my life under control and have given up the control. It'll be a challenge, but it'll be definitely worth it.

<3jen