ALIVE

I did fairly well with last year’s resolutions… The only ones i failed miserably at were the reading the Bible in a year and getting all A’s. (i made a b in history at calhoun this semester… BOO. oh well.)

Instead of making 12 resolutions for this coming year, i decided to make them fit with my word of the year… please help and keep me accountable for these. i’m excited about what this year has in store.

***

Accept grace… I’ve spent too much of my time fighting it and rebelling against it. God has always been offering it to me, I need to accept it. And live with grace. quit beating myself up, and realize that God loves me because of Jesus… not because of what I’ve done.

Love others. Quit being so wrapped up in my own problems that i can’t see the people around me. and in love, pray for them..

Initiate things. dont just say “things could be better if” actually DO something about it.

live vivaciously. enjoy every moment, and don’t just waste away each day. Don’t let a bad day make you believe you have a bad life. God gave you today, fill it with joy it.

be an example to the world. don’t necessarily preach the gospel to every person i meet, but by the way i live, show God.

***

my word of the year (2011) has been love.
i’ve written it on my arm, printed it on my wall, carried it around with me…

this coming year’s (2012) word is alive.
i need to quit remorsing over the fact that i’m still here, and embrace the fact that i’m still alive.

**

I’m amazed at how fast this year has flown by… crazy, but amazing. :)

<3jen

“There’s no point in living if you can’t rejoice in the very fact that you are alive.”

stop it!

^that was/is me today.(not really  me, but the rest of the story comes later.) sounds so stupid, but i do get worked up pretty badly when my pictures are very roughly critiqued. its so not important in the long run, but it does cut pretty deep… luckily i have some amazing friends and mentors who are a great comfort and encouragement.

**

while my photography teacher and i were discussing on facebook how i could improve and the areas i am doing much better in, this little ad popped up on my sidebar. i usually ignore those stupid things, but i saw the crying girl and was like, hey! that’s me right now! but what was written under the photo will definitely stick with me for a while…:

“It’s not possible to please everyone, so stop it! There is only ONE you existing in the world, that’s how God made you!

There is no perfect body shape (try to ask different culture backgrounds), there is no perfect accent, perfect skin color, perfect job, perfect career, perfect husband or boy friend (since you are not perfect.)

Please allow me to remind you:
You have what it takes to succeed, you will attract the right people to your path, if you allow yourself to shine according to what’s INSDIE of you, not the outlook of you!”

**

now to get up the strength to go take some more portraits… ::sigh::

<3jenna

This is what I’ve been listening too lately… can you tell my mood’s kinda heading south? Ah well, here’s a list of good things that have happened to me lately:

**i survived a FULL year since i thought i’d never make it… YAY!
**i got to PET A COW on Thanksgiving!!! ftw! :D
**my best friends are so super fantabulous to me. I LOVE YOOOOU!!
**the fall retreat was not great, but the conversations and relationships built there were amazing.
**have i mentioned how much i love christmas shopping? well, yeah. i do. and i love christmassssssss
**i got the ADORABLEST phone case and it makes me happy. two words: polka. dots. ;)
**Pentatonix won The Sing-off :D
**my dance studio is wonderful… i am pretty horrible at my modern dance, but overall, the whole place is amazing.
**ALMOST done with school for this semester and i will NEVER have to have this mean biology teacher again! YAY! haha
**my sister’s coming home for the weekend, and yeah. its been a while since I’ve seen her, so super excited about that. :) :)

I could go on for a few more pages, but i should spare you guys. i guess i really am way more blessed than i admit sometimes…

<3jen

almost thanksgiving…

i’m kinda freaking out, cause i mean, its been a whole freaking year (almost… a few more days) since the whole world has known that i struggled with depression.

i’m not going to let this whole mess ruin my life. I accept the fact that depression is something I’m going to have to deal with for ever probably (thanks to genes…) but i can NOT let it rule my life.

maybe if i keep telling myself this i will eventually accept it, believe it, and put it into practice…

***

On a happier note, its our church’s annual fall retreat this weekend, so super hyped about that. Hopefully it’ll be really encouraging and challenging.

<3jen

just dance… it’ll be okay

you know those days when you can’t seem to say the right thing, or look the right way, or just seem like a failure?

i hate those days.

but when those days come around, my solution? dance. it works every time.

our dwelling place

I haven’t written here in a while. life’s been really hard, but really good. I got accepted into Auburn (going to major in early childhood education), made a 30 on my ACT (full tuition!!!!), my calhoun classes are going okay (making b’s… i would MUCH rather be making all a’s, but i’d rather a b than a f), and my home school classes are going fine. dance is AMAZING. I love it. I’m learning so much, and hopefully improving just as much. :P my photography business is rolling along nicely. I’ve shot several babies, seniors, families, couples, and even a wedding. totally fantastic. :)

my main issue right now is senioritis. i’m so anxious to move forward with my life, that all of the things that are holding me back (school, church, etc) are getting less and less appealing. several of my friends and mentors are helping me work through this, but it’s still very difficult.

The words on the picture above came to me through a very awesome intern. they let me rant on about life & faith and then wrote me a very encouraging message about living it out life. it’s people like that who prove that all christians aren’t fake and that God has a reason for putting me where i am.

***

i pray that each of you who reads this is doing well. love you all!

<3jen

full remission

well, after last post’s long complaining session (which did me great good, mind you. haha), I have a whole bunch of good news for you.

MONDAY I got to meet up with an old friend, and let me tell you, it was wonderful. she’s amazing. I LOVE YOU, A! <3

Tuesday was my last counseling session. For a long time, at least. I enjoyed counseling, but very very glad that it’s over. I was declared “depression free” and in “full remission.” So YAY!!! that part of my journey is over. :D

Wednesday morning I went to a neurologist to see if she could explain the reason why I’ve had chronic headaches for the past few years. She couldn’t but I go in for an MRI on Tuesday. Not to worry, they said, just a procedure. :)

and then Wednesday night I started my new dance studio and AHHHHHHHH. it was wonderful. it definitely kicked some butt, but was such fun. I am really looking forward to taking there. :D

I had a photo-shoot last night of a … 5-month old (i think) of some friends of ours. it was a wonderful time getting to hang out with them, and of course, take lots of pictures. :)

and then today. I start friday classes finally. This summer has been so long, but it went by so fast. i am very excited to see all my friends again. crazy how you can miss people so much…

ANYWHOO,i need to go get ready for school, but i figured y’all would appreciate some good news for once. ;)

<3jen

many mini trials

i need to rant a bit, so excuse me for a moment. my judgment has momentarily lapsed.

my internet is currently hating me. and because of this, my auburn online application is really confusing and isn’t working correctly. *growl* one my best friends who convinced me last year to keep living, suddenly treats me like crap. also, i started school back this week, so thus, my mother and I have been in horrific moods.

AND my head hurts.

*sigh*

okay, i’m done. :P

I’m starting a new devotional book titled “A Call to Die.” It’s about dying to yourself and living for Christ… and it’s really challenging me so far. i’ve done this study before, but i figured i would do it again. i need something to push me back to living for Christ.

Sure, the mission trip was AMAZING to help with that, but it kind of was uncomfortable. is all that people are called by God to do is to serve Him in foreign countries? cause, i kinda like america, thank you very much. but i’ll admit, it would be really nice to be able to hear God just say “go and do this with your life.”

everyone says that your senior year is the best year ever. but honestly, it’s kinda stressful too… I mean, i’ve still gotta get my ACT score up so I won’t be broke the rest of my life trying to pay off college… and speaking of college, I have NO idea what i want to do… everything that I would like to do “doesn’t pay well enough”, according to everyone i talk to… is money all that matters and all there is to getting a college degree and finding a job? meh. to the world it apparently is… :P

anywhoo, prayers for all of my loveliness would be greatly appreciated.

 

***

now, don’t get me wrong, my life hasn’t been ALL stinkiness lately. my sister got married a few days ago, :D i got placed in the top level at the dance studio i’m switching too, :) the Harry Potter books are wonderful, :P and of course, I still have many, many wonderful friends to make up for the one who hasn’t been so wonderful lately. (but hey. who says friendship is a one way thing? maybe the crappiness is partially my fault for letting her treat me like that and not being a true friend about it? but ANYWAYS. ha, that’s besides the point.)
God is still good, despite my many mini trials as a teenager. and He is always W.I.T.H. me.*

<3jen

 

 

* a long while back I did a mini-retreat for the girls in my youth  group about how God is always WITH us… wherever, infinitely, tenderly, healing… i still need to hear it again every once in a while.

Blessings

 

<3jen

wrapped up

last week at church camp, my youth minister told me that my problems keep getting in my way. I need to just not focus on them and they’ll go away. The I am so absorbed in my problems that I am not letting God use my full potential to reach out to those around me.

part of me really agrees with him. I mean, it makes total sense. I am too wrapped up in my problems… but the other part of me wants to know how i can help others when my life is still such a big mess?

<3jen

Peace

Galatians 1:3
”Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

***

Yesterday during yet another sermon on the book of John (three years in… only on chapter 17. yeah. mm.), I read Galatians. Yes, the whole book, and it was amazing.

There’s just something about concentrating so hard to focus on reading the Bible and blocking out absolutely everything else. It was very encouraging.

But just as I was starting, a couple words popped out at me.
Grace.
and Peace.
And being the geek that I am, I looked up the definitions of these words in the back of my Bible.

GRACE: an undeserved gift…

PEACE: freedom… from disturbance. from worry. from stress. from the world.

Grace, I’m thankful for. Peace, I yearn for…

*****

my diagnosis is now “low to mild depression”. woot. :)

<3jen

I have this problem with letting peoples’ opinions control me.. How I look, where I go, what I do, who i’m with… I take it all into too much consideration.

I mean, yes, thinking about the image you are portraying to the world is not a bad thing to do… but letting a cruel word get you down isn’t right.

It’s easy to complain that it is those peoples’ fault that you are depressed, but in reality, that’s not true. It’s a) Satan at work, and it’s b) my own fault.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? … But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:25-27, 33-34)

What others say shouldn’t matter, it’s God’s opinion that does.

<3jen

no complaining

“Do all things without complaining or arguing.” (phil 2:14)

great. now i can’t even complaining about the little mundane things in my life? (whoops, there i go again.)

the more i’ve been thinking about this verse, the more convicted i have been about all the things i complain about.

“i’m tired.”
“i’m hungry.”
“that hurts!”

they' are all complaints, and i say them all the time.

needless to say, i will be working on not complaining… cause that is something i LOVE to do.. complain.

***

in other news, i’m going thursday to try out for a new ballet class. YAY! :) i’m nervous, but I SHALLL NOT COMPLAIN.

<3jen

sunrise

This song really hit home with me today.. listen to it.
<3jen

***

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You

That after the long night, You are sunrise
There's a moment when
Faith caves in

There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone
But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine
You are sunrise
You are blue skies

How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?
You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

Resolutions Recap

I give myself a four out of ten for accomplishing my resolutions..

***

Share my feelings.
This blog has helped. maybe I haven’t talked to a whole bunch of people (which is probably a smart move), but i have shared about how i’m really feeling, etc etc.

energize yourself for something worthwhile.
I hope i’ve been doing this. like i’ve mentioned a bajillion times, i’m switching dance studios in the fall. so i’ve been working my rear end off to improve..

Read through the Bible in a year.
I’ve stopped. it was too much. i felt as if i was inhaling the Bible, not letting it marinate. i need to start a new study series soon, though… (any suggestions??)

forgive.
FAILURE. *sigh* it’s hard to forgive something that’s been engrained in your heart for several months or even years..

Teach a Bible class.
I did this. yay me. :)

pray.
another failure, but hey. i’ve still got the rest of this day, this week, this year, my LIFE to get this one where it is supposed to be..

Persevere on what is worthwhile.
i guess i can’t really find this one out until it’s been a while. or maybe it’s possible to persevere on a daily basis too..

attitude.
i got all A’s this semester. but i must admit that i really haven’t had the best attitude about other things.. i need to be more respectful, even to those that annoy me. :-/

Improve a life.
I’m going to El Salvador this summer for a mission trip. does this count?

exercise.
my poor dog. i don’t exercise with her EVER. i can’t figure out how i am supposed to find time in my schedule to do that.. or more like, make time. :-/

LIVE.
i’m still here, which says a lot. <3

***

i’m driving myself to counseling today... one more step of freedom. YAY!

<3jen

please… no pity

i read back through this blog and am kinda ashamed of how it sounds.

I’m not looking for sympathy. or pity. I just want prayers.

you don’t have to treat me differently. you can just ignore everything i’ve said here.

but please do pray. it’s such a constant struggle. there are ups and downs nearly every day it seems. but the one thing that keeps me going is realizing that i have friends who care, and more importantly, a GOD who loves.

<3jen

chance

“Is a chance something that you’ll always win at?

Is a chance something that you take to prove something to someone else, or to yourself?

Is chance something you don’t really have to try at?

Is a chance not something you might mess up? But always try again at?

A chance is something for the brave. It’s a chance of choice, discovery, redemption, strength, and glory.

But it’s only for the brave. The cowards never get the chance.”

 

A good friend of mine wrote this. And sent it to me. And I love it.

How often do I fear the chance? But nevertheless, i’ve got to take it.

I’m taking the chance that going on this mission trip to El Salvador might not change my heart… or it might.
I’m taking the chance that i’m going to hate this new dance studio… or that i’ll love it.
I’m taking the chance that waiting to buy things will profit me in the end… or it won’t.
I’m taking the chance that taking a chance is a good thing.. Or it might not be.

I’m taking the chance. Will you?

financial advice

“If you’re gonna get better, you’ve gotta look at where you are and how you change it.”

my finance teacher was getting off on a tangent about being in debt.. but i found that this applied to life in general.

“Your triggers are why you keep falling backwards into the same things you’ve been doing.”

people ask me what my triggers are, and i can never think of a “goodish” answer. but then it hit me today.

imperfection.

that’s my trigger. that’s why i hated myself. that’s why i push myself too hard. that’s why i got in this whole mess in the first place. i wanted to be perfect. and i wasn’t. so i beat myself up for it.

how do i conquer this, though?

grace.

i don’t accept grace like i should. i don’t deserve grace. but God gives it to me anyways. I shouldn’t be like the man who was given grace and in turn didn’t give it away. that’s me. i get grace from God, but i don’t give it back to myself.

kinda tough to chew on.

<3jen

winterfest

i was going back and rereading some of my blog posts.. and i really have come quite a ways since last november. it’s kinda crazy how God has changed my life.. but i am SO grateful that He has.

**

this weekend i went to winterfest. it was absolutely amazing. so many of the things hit me, but my favorite thing one of the speakers said would have to be

    “God does NOT give up on you, you give up on yourself.”

i don’t really know why this one phrase stuck out to me so much, but it did. God DOESNT give up on us. ever.

and that is how i think i’ve come so far.. with His help.. cause even though i thought that i was so worthless that nobody could even possibly want anything to do with me, God knew otherwise. He cared for me. He watched over me. He took me in His arms and loved me.

<3jen

photography.

It is definitely one of my passions. I love it. I love learning about it. I could spend hours pouring over photography books, and looking at pictures, and learning from others..

…but why am I not so passionate about God in this way?

I mean, shouldn’t we be so in love with God that we could spend hours and hours learning about Him? Talking to him?

 

just a thought..

<3jen

reading the billboards

some people think i’ve changed. and some haven’t even noticed anything.

but me? i think i haven’t really changed as a person, but i am dealing with the crappy parts of life differently.

at least i hope i am.

 

last night at the super bowl party for my youth group, my youth minister said something that stuck out to me.

are you going to church and just “reading the billboards”? or would you rather have the actual product or an amazing commercial? you can read the Bible and go to church, but in reality? you’re just reading the billboards. you must LIVE out your faith. and search for the real “product”. don’t be satisfied with the beautiful crap the world offers you. it’s not worth it.

that really hit me. i mean, sure. i’ve been focusing on myself and trying to get over this, but it’s kinda hard to “get over” anything without God. i’ve just been messing around with church not really focusing on the message and changing my life.

**

you should be so wrapped up in God as your Lord that others cant help but notice and want what you have.

i usually get all upset when i think about the bubble i live in. how i can’t witness to non-Christians cause i honestly don’t know any. but as people always tell me, you dont have to know non-christians to witness. the christians in your life need witnessing to too..

<3jen

Any other way..

 

I’m not gonna lie and say that i’m glad that i’m not throwing my problems on people. I miss being about to have one person I could talk to any time about anything.

But I guess, this is where God comes in.

He’s always there, always willing to listen to my rants.. to love me.

This doesnt mean we should not have people in our lives we can talk to and listen to. we should take God’s example and not just dump our problems on each other, but encourage through the trials.. and LOVE.

***

isn’t Tenth Avenue North amazing? I love these guys.. their music is so touching.. so true..

<3jen

what happened?

sometimes i want to say that “no one told me life was going to be this hard!!”. then. i realize that they did. but me, in my pride, told myself that i could do anything. and then when things got tough, i could still do anything. it was all my decision.

sometimes i wonder what has happened these past 3 months. why have i changed so much? what happened??

some might say it was the medication. others, the counseling. but i dont think it was any of those things.

it was someone telling me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. it’s NOT an option.

sure, there are some days where i still think it would be nice to just disappear, but for the most part, those days are gone. i still wish i hadn’t done some things, but the scars will just remind me of how things can get better.

im just proud of myself for making it to my 16th birthday. i never thought that would have happened. but sure enough, here i am, 4 days later. with a license, a car, and alive. never thought i’d have the strength to still be here.

yes, “getting better” is harder than i thought it would have been. to those on the outside, im completely better. i laugh more, i smile more, i’m more pleasant. and for once, it’s not a complete facade. sure, im not ALWAYS cheerful, but i am more of the time.

i’m getting there. one day i’ll be totally over this. and i can’t wait until that day.

<3jen

;)

well, gosh. i got my license. how exciting is this!?! i’m like really hyped up right now.

BUT. i guess i need to bring you an update on things before i ramble off into my own little world of licensed drivers.. haha

my counselor said that starting next week, i’m only gonna have to go to counseling every other week.. and that i’m doing good and such and such. :) my parents were quite glad to hear this. and it was kinda nice for me to hear it too. :)

well, i’d better go get the one thing of school i have for today done. it’s just so not fun to do school on your birthday. oh well. :) means i’ll get done faster for summer. :)

<3jen

Rabboni!

We sing this song at church.. not very often, but when we do, it always makes me want to cry. there is just something about the simple lyrics that mean so much that is so touching.

Read it for yourself.

You were there when the world had turned against me.
When the darkness had possessed my soul,
Your tender mercy made me whole.
When I followed You, my life was filled with meaning
From the morning to the evening.
I've seen the face of God
When I close my eyes
I can hear Your voice so clearly saying,
"Father, please forgive them,
For they know not what they do."
What good reason did they have to do
The things they did to You?
So I come once again bringing all I have to offer,
Just to find a dark and empty tomb,
Your holy frame somehow exhumed.
Then I hear someone say,
"Why are tears so freely falling?
Can't You hear the voice that's calling?
A voice that knows Your name.
Rabboni! My Teacher and my God!
You're alive and my burdens melt away.
Rabboni! Sweet Son of God Most High!
I know death has lost its power
And Your glory's here to stay.

<3jen

trust

Counseling last week, i played in the sand tray and made up my own world, with my own rules, my own time.. everyone trusted each other. and everyone had cows. (hee hee)

J still has me thinking about the future. planning things. looking forward to things…

speaking of which, my SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEK. and i’m getting my license. and will be allowed to drive MYSELF places. BY MYSELF. so excited.

AND i’m switching dance studios for sure next semester. :D

today J said that its okay to leave me at home by myself. that’s a big improvement. they’re trusting me. ;)

trust.

thats something  i’m graually building back up. it’s kinda nice to enjoy that again.

*****

being in a good mood, drinking hot chocolate, and editing pictures. ahhh, what a wonderful evening.

<3jen

i’m tired…

… of EVERYTHING.

but, that’s no excuse to give up…… right?

im sick of all the “fake Christians”, of the hurt in the world, of distrust, of pain, and im so very tired of “good reputations”.

***

at church i’m the perfect little christian teenage girl. i go to all the classes. all the services. i know all the answers. am always happy. my life is perfect. i’ve got everything under control.

and its such a big lie.

im a “fake Christian.” and am NOT proud of it.

sometimes i just want to blurt out my whole story to everyone and explain that i’m really not who i appear to be.. but then that annoying voice in my head explains to me how stupid of an idea that is..

but honestly? what’s the point of this “good reputation”? its just making me more and more dissatisfied with church..

please tell me that i’m not the only one who feels like this.. who is so tired of keeping this “perfect” front up? maybe one day it wont be a front.. maybe it’ll be who i really am.. or at least partially. i really do want to be the best Christian that i can be.. for God’s glory..

<3jen

major decisions

college majors, that is..

tonight my family and i sat down at the kitchen table after supper and talked college stuff. we narrowed down schools (AUBURN, most definitely.. maybe Lipscomb. maybe. probably not.) and discussed classes and majors.. and all sorts of future things. it was fun thinking about my future.

which is a weird thing for me to do. cause for the past few years, i’ve HAD no future once i got past high school.

nothing.

it was gonna be THE END.

but thanks to the GOG (grace of God), it’s not the end.. i have a new beginning. i can keep going. i can keep living.

but. it still is strange to think about the future.

<3jen

landslide

well, i’ve been afraid of changing, cause i built my life around you..

around the depressed, suicidal, jenna. my whole life revolved around how i was feeling. is that so wrong? some might say no, but in order to break this loop of depression i’m gonna have to break those thoughts..

(absolutely LOVE this song.. i’ve listened to it about 300 times this past week. <3)

**

counseling on Thursdays was a “big breakthrough” as my parents might call it. i was allowed to get all my scissors, knives, and razors back.. aka, i’m getting better, according to my counselor.
a couple weeks ago she changed my diagnosis to just depressed.. not suicidal. i think it made my parents week. :)
but i have definitely enjoyed having my scissors back. for crafting purposes.. it’s hard to wrap presents without scissors.. ;)

**

so. it’s a whole new year. i’m kinda anxious to see what this year’s gonna bring. last year was terrible, so hopefully this year will be a more upbeat year..

as this year moves on,  i have three prayer requests for myself in this upcoming year.

*that i will have the desire to change. but most importantly, to desire God.

*that i will have the strength to persevere in the change. in the hard times, in the easy time. to not let up the fight.

*that i will accept grace. God’s grace. that i will realize that it’s not the end of the world if i’m not perfect.. and that His grace covers me.

**

May your 2011 be as fantabulous as you can make it. im praying for you.

<3jen