Trust

I need to practice trusting God with every thing. If I really have given him total control of my life, why am I fretting about the little things? I need to trust that he is gonna work out the timing of this surgery so I can survive next semester. That he is going to work through this whole roommate situation. That he has his plan for my life despite what I fear. 

Psalm 40:4

4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

<3jen

Constant crier

"Hi, my name is Jenna, and I am a constant crier."

When I went through my depression phase way long ago, I never cried. Sometimes I would when I was alone, but NEVER in front of other people. 

Now, I cry all the time. 

I thought at first it was because I hadn't cried for a long that I was just making up for lost time and it was just a phase. 

But it wasn't a phase. And now I cry at the drop of a hat. 

Not like a sensitive cry. Not like "that hurt my feelings I'm going to go cry now" cry but a "ohmygosh that's so sweet/touching/beautiful/ugly/perfect/loving/delicious"...

It's bad y'all. 

But it begs the question, is it really a bad thing? Do I need to work on not crying so much?

Just a thought for the day. 

<3jen

"Have a heart"

"Jenna... Gosh... Have a heart!"

That cut deep. 

I like to think that I'm a compassionate person, care for those around me, love everyone... But I guess deep down that's not true. 

I'm focused on myself. 

I care only about what's best for me. 

Everyone else comes second to my desires and needs. 

That really sounds awful to write, but I know it's true. 

How do I change? How do I focus less on myself and more on others?

Reminds me of the song I used to sing at VBS every summer:

“J-O-Y

J-O-Y

This is what it means!

Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between!”

**

I was listening to a sermon about overcoming depression and Pastor Cheis said something that really peirced me:

"When you are depressed, it is so easy to become wrapped up in your problems that you don't meet your full potential, you don't reach everyone you could reach, you don't bring glory to God!"

Ouch. 

***

I need a renewed mindset. 

<3jen

 

I love my job.

I love getting to wander around and take photos and say "I'm with the plainsman" and get in free everywhere. I love the thrill of opening up the paper and seeing my work printed there. I love most of the people I work with, the atmosphere of the office, and the comradarie of everyone. 

I also hate many aspects of my job. But they are generally easy to overlook. 

I feel like a quitter, but I'm not reapplying for next semester. I'm not quitting because of things I hate though but because I'm going to become more involved at church. Which partly makes me even more sad to leave the Plainsman because over the past few weeks, I've talked to several people in there about God... But I just do not want to give a half-spirit effort into the plainsman BECAUSE of church stuff. Like I don't want them to be turned off church because I am always slacking on my work. I mean, I would give it my 100% I just don't think I could always be there. Like journalism isn't my life. It is for a lot of these people! I can always do it over the summer or next fall again. It's not like it's a one time thing! 

But onto the positive.
 The reason I'm going to be so crazy busy at church is because i'm taking a leap of faith and getting involved in a lot. I'm going to go to Guatemala over spring break, so I'll have a weekly small group of getting to know everyone in my small group extra well... AH. so excited about that!! but that's another post for another time. So in addition to that, and doing a LIFE group with Katie (hopefullyyyy cause that would make my semester ballin.), i'm going to do 252, which is an internship kinda thing at church. SUPER excited about that too!
So basically, in addition to my 17 hours of difficult classes, I'll be living at church. :) Which is fantastic.
***
And I know none of y'all really care about any of that, but it felt good to write it all out and prove to myself that I'm not a quitter. Now just to tell my boss...
<3jen

Storybook Farm

This semester I was forced to help in a weekly service learning location for my foundations of education class. I chose the one that said something about special needs children, photography, and horses. It sounded interesting enough, so I chose it. 

Storybook Farm. 

Nothing really what I expected. So many days I hated it. 30 minute drive: one way. 4.5 hours every Tuesday. Kicked, hit, or had rocks thrown at by kids. Grouchy parents, rude siblings, violent horses. 

But today it clicked. 

One of the children I worked with on this blustery Tuesday had ridden horses at Storybook for several years. He didn't need an arm-over-thigh hold so I just got to walk beside him and talk to him as he was riding. Really sweet little boy. But all he had ever done on a horse was walk, so today we got to let him experience trotting. The smile he got from the five seconds of quick walking lit up his entire face, which in turn lit up my and the leader's face. I feel like that is how God feels when we experience joy in something so wonderful that He initiated for us. How beautiful is that??

I also got to talk to his grandmother and a few other parents these past couple weeks. They would say things about how it had been a rough week or how grateful they were for this hour of relaxation for them or how much their child loved coming here. We got to breathe life into the tired parents in addition to helping these children work through mental and physical disabilities. 

And I mean, over the course of the whole semester there were some very awesome moments. I got to make some new, super sweet friends. Got to let a miniature cow for the FIRST TIME. #inlove And just overall get to love on the children. I've learned a lot about special needs children and how to react in certain situations. My heart goes out to these children and I have a new respect for special education teachers. And that hour drive has been good meditation and mind-clearing time. Always something good. God knows what He's doing. 

<3jen

Singing

Glasses really are the best at hiding bloodshot eyes. 

And I really shouldn't even be crying because it's so stupid. 

I guess it's just my whole life I've told myself that I wasn't a good singer and I wasn't worthy to do any sort of worship ministry. Then this semester, so many people spoke life into me that I was good enough and was beautiful and talented and I should do it. 

Then I audition for worship team at church and surprise surprise my voice is not good enough nor am I the right stereotype to do it. 

I mean I should've known it. And really, I guess I wasn't doing it for the right reasons anyways. I'm dealing with too much right now to truly glorify God in leading others also. 

Oh well. God is calling me to something else I suppose. 

Cest la vie. 

<3jen

overthinking

I over-think things way too much.

Most of the time people are just joking with me, and I know that. I know that they don't mean it when they say "we can't be friends anymore!" or "I'm not going to talk to you ever again!" but I still can't help but wonder if there is a grain of truth in what they're saying.

(I think I've blogged about this before, but I'm too lazy to go look and see right now. so, sorry if I have)

I mean, really though. What if they are really telling the truth in a sarcastic way? What if they're too scared to tell me that my story really freaks them out and they don't want to talk to me again?

STOP.
JENNA.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (matt 6)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (john 14)

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." (prov 12)

"I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.." (psalm 16)

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him" (psalm 28)

"They will have no fear of bad news;  their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD." (psalm 112)

Okay, God. I get it. 
I know that this concept of not worrying about every little thing people say to me is an easy idea... but the carrying out of it is very difficult, near to impossible!! But that is what God is here to help me with? I just need to be 100% content in HIM not in what other people say to me. 


***
that was my random thought of the day. you're welcome.
<3jen

I feel like there's an elephant on my chest. It's been several years since this old haunt has been around. I know it's wrong, but it's so hard to fight this depression sometimes, ya know? Maybe you don't know, but I would appreciate prayers nonetheless. 

<3jen

I know that it is just Satan whispering lies into my head 99.99999% of the time, but sometimes it's hard to detect if it's him or actual common sense. 

Praying for clarity. 

<3jen