I grew up in pretty much a perfect Christian home.
I mean, sure. My parents had their fair share of failures and struggles. They came from broken marriages and made many mistakes in raising my sister and I, but I never went to bed fearful for where they would go if they died or if they'd still be married when I got up for school in the morning.
Because of this, it has been so hard for me to empathize with people who grew up with that. Who explain that they heard every night the constant fighting and yelling and feared for their parents and their own futures.
The turmoil my extended family expressed in shouts and sobs tonight, I'm sure, does not compare to being a young child and wondering if your parents still love each other. But now I can begin to understand. The pain and hurt shown through the tears and raised voices was something I wish I could forget forever.
I cry now not for the pain I overheard in my living room, but for the families who had to and still listen to that hurt every night.
May God pour out his peace on all those families this Christmas season... and may resolution and grace be extended to all sides.
<3jen
Friday, December 20, 2013
Christmas break and other random thoughts
The number one question everyone asks me when I'm back home (followed closely by "are you dating anyone?" and "how are your grades?") is if I'm glad to be home.
and I'm not.
Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my family. And I'm so glad to get to spend time with them! And I love Christmas and I love spending Christmas with them.
But this isn't home anymore.
To be honest? I cried the whole drive from Auburn back to my house.
Am I being selfish? Obviously, yes.
Should I suck it up and make my mom happy and stay here the rest of the break? Yes. and I'll stay.
Will I have a good attitude about it all? It's what I'm praying about constantly.
Less of me, and more of You, Lord.
***
I have had several Skype conversations with my best friend about her recent trip to Haiti. Hearing how God move in that trip and how He changed her and so many of the other people on her trip? Absolutely incredible... that's what led to the tears and the discussions that came up this afternoon...
**
I had coffee with one of my good friends from my old church today.
She's graduating high school soon and fixing to attend college to double major in English education and Spanish education. She's going to either teach in the slums of America or go to a third-world, Spanish-speaking country and start a school there after college.
Just talking to her encouraged my dream of moving to Central America and loving on and teaching the people there. But I got to thinking, I know little-to-know Spanish, and I have no plans of how to get down there, what I'm going to do or anything. And while I feel like God is calling me to do this, I truly haven't listened to His voice for direction.
Until today.
I was stuck in stand-still traffic and I had a life-changing moment. I talked with God and verbally gave everything about my future to Him. (Side note: A few weeks ago I gave everything in my present life to God... and that changed my outlook on everything in the now. but I guess I was still holding onto a little control of my future there that I didn't realize... key word: WAS.)
I didn't realize how anxious I was about my life after college. Like, I'm graduating super young, I don't know where I'm going, I'm terrified of having to move back home... And above all, I'm scared of what God is going to do in me. Like it says in Ephesians 3:20-21:
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."
Immeasurably more than all I can even imagine?! like, that's SO SCARY to think about. But now it's less scary and more so insanely exciting.
I mean, even if it turns out that God just wants me to teach in a normal school in America, I pray that I can do so with such passion and joy as I would in another country.
Now as for other thoughts about preparing myself... I need to learn Spanish. like, that's super important. I also need to figure out where in Central America that God is calling me to... and then doing an internship. Maybe right out of college I can do that for a year and see what's next. I mean, who said that I have to start "work" right after I graduate? Also, who's gonna hire a 20-year-old to be a teacher?!
But no matter what, GOD IS IN CONTROL. and I don't care what He's going to make me do, because I know in all things, it will be marvelous.
Most of You, Lord, and least of me.
***
Another thought I had today, tied into yet another of the questions that any college student gets asked by the world: "are you dating anyone?"
I am really content in not dating anyone right now. Like, of course, a boyfriend would be awesome. But as a whole, that's not my purpose right now. But it does worry me a bit. I mean, who wants to grow up an old maid?!
But, I talked about that with God today.
My future husband will have to be mission-minded and love Jesus as much and even more than I do. I have so many other stipulations and requirements... but I so often neglect to be preparing myself for what my future spouse is looking for.
My favorite quote from one of the pastors at my church was about "preparing yourself" or whatever and it has always stuck with me:
"Strive to become the person that you are looking for is looking for."
How am I working on myself now to become the woman of God that I need to be? Forget preparing myself for some guy in my future, but am I striving to become the Godly person that I can be?
All of You, Lord, and none of me.
***
Lots of prayers lately. It's insane to see how far I've come in my relationship with God such a few short amount of time.
To go from being very depressed and struggling with everything, to free and living in His control? Like, WHAT.
That's a miracle.
I get the victory, and You get the glory, Lord.
******
I've a bajillion and one thoughts running through my head, but I'll save those for another day, another post. In the meantime, I'll be praising God for all that He has done and will do in me.
He will provide me with strength for this break, for the next semester, and for my life.
He has blessed me so much already with a great end to the year, completely amazing friends...
Like, AH. Why do I still find such crazy things to complain and gripe about when it is so obvious that He is doing amazing things in me and all the people around me.
<3jen
and I'm not.
Don't get me wrong. I ADORE my family. And I'm so glad to get to spend time with them! And I love Christmas and I love spending Christmas with them.
But this isn't home anymore.
To be honest? I cried the whole drive from Auburn back to my house.
Am I being selfish? Obviously, yes.
Should I suck it up and make my mom happy and stay here the rest of the break? Yes. and I'll stay.
Will I have a good attitude about it all? It's what I'm praying about constantly.
Less of me, and more of You, Lord.
***
I have had several Skype conversations with my best friend about her recent trip to Haiti. Hearing how God move in that trip and how He changed her and so many of the other people on her trip? Absolutely incredible... that's what led to the tears and the discussions that came up this afternoon...
**
I had coffee with one of my good friends from my old church today.
She's graduating high school soon and fixing to attend college to double major in English education and Spanish education. She's going to either teach in the slums of America or go to a third-world, Spanish-speaking country and start a school there after college.
Just talking to her encouraged my dream of moving to Central America and loving on and teaching the people there. But I got to thinking, I know little-to-know Spanish, and I have no plans of how to get down there, what I'm going to do or anything. And while I feel like God is calling me to do this, I truly haven't listened to His voice for direction.
Until today.
I was stuck in stand-still traffic and I had a life-changing moment. I talked with God and verbally gave everything about my future to Him. (Side note: A few weeks ago I gave everything in my present life to God... and that changed my outlook on everything in the now. but I guess I was still holding onto a little control of my future there that I didn't realize... key word: WAS.)
I didn't realize how anxious I was about my life after college. Like, I'm graduating super young, I don't know where I'm going, I'm terrified of having to move back home... And above all, I'm scared of what God is going to do in me. Like it says in Ephesians 3:20-21:
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."
Immeasurably more than all I can even imagine?! like, that's SO SCARY to think about. But now it's less scary and more so insanely exciting.
I mean, even if it turns out that God just wants me to teach in a normal school in America, I pray that I can do so with such passion and joy as I would in another country.
Now as for other thoughts about preparing myself... I need to learn Spanish. like, that's super important. I also need to figure out where in Central America that God is calling me to... and then doing an internship. Maybe right out of college I can do that for a year and see what's next. I mean, who said that I have to start "work" right after I graduate? Also, who's gonna hire a 20-year-old to be a teacher?!
But no matter what, GOD IS IN CONTROL. and I don't care what He's going to make me do, because I know in all things, it will be marvelous.
Most of You, Lord, and least of me.
***
Another thought I had today, tied into yet another of the questions that any college student gets asked by the world: "are you dating anyone?"
I am really content in not dating anyone right now. Like, of course, a boyfriend would be awesome. But as a whole, that's not my purpose right now. But it does worry me a bit. I mean, who wants to grow up an old maid?!
But, I talked about that with God today.
My future husband will have to be mission-minded and love Jesus as much and even more than I do. I have so many other stipulations and requirements... but I so often neglect to be preparing myself for what my future spouse is looking for.
My favorite quote from one of the pastors at my church was about "preparing yourself" or whatever and it has always stuck with me:
"Strive to become the person that you are looking for is looking for."
How am I working on myself now to become the woman of God that I need to be? Forget preparing myself for some guy in my future, but am I striving to become the Godly person that I can be?
All of You, Lord, and none of me.
***
Lots of prayers lately. It's insane to see how far I've come in my relationship with God such a few short amount of time.
To go from being very depressed and struggling with everything, to free and living in His control? Like, WHAT.
That's a miracle.
I get the victory, and You get the glory, Lord.
******
I've a bajillion and one thoughts running through my head, but I'll save those for another day, another post. In the meantime, I'll be praising God for all that He has done and will do in me.
He will provide me with strength for this break, for the next semester, and for my life.
He has blessed me so much already with a great end to the year, completely amazing friends...
Like, AH. Why do I still find such crazy things to complain and gripe about when it is so obvious that He is doing amazing things in me and all the people around me.
<3jen
Monday, December 16, 2013
thankful
This week, I've realized all the other great relationships that also helped me through this semester and I wanted to thank them on here... even though they will probably never read it. But hey, it's the thought that counts, because it really does mean SO MUCH to me what y'all do. And you will never know the insane impact y'all have made on my life!!
**
For my favoritest pen pal/best friend, Suzu, you never fail to encourage me. You are always there for me and are always praying for me and that means so much... you never get upset with me for taking ages to write you back and that's crazy. you're super patient and have been through a lot with me... thank you so much!!
For my sweet sister, I know that you read this to catch up with me and that means a lot. I know that you are always just a phone call away for me to talk to you about anything. And I appreciate that.
(oops. already crying)
For my guy friends (who I get made fun of for texting all the time... haha... no shame!), y'all are like my brothers. You are so uplifting and encouraging ALWAYS. I love when y'all ask for prayers and when you in turn pray for me as well. Thank you for being family!!
For all of my friends who I have slacked on keeping up with on a regular basis, thank you for actually understanding and not hating me for not always asking about your life. I am going to work on rebuilding those relationships, so thank y'all for hanging on with me... y'all are fabulous.
And all the few adult mentors in my life, and of course my parents!! thank y'all. Your sound advice and loving, but not judging nature, really is an inspiration to me.
**
I LOVE YOU ALL.
<3jen
**
For my favoritest pen pal/best friend, Suzu, you never fail to encourage me. You are always there for me and are always praying for me and that means so much... you never get upset with me for taking ages to write you back and that's crazy. you're super patient and have been through a lot with me... thank you so much!!
For my sweet sister, I know that you read this to catch up with me and that means a lot. I know that you are always just a phone call away for me to talk to you about anything. And I appreciate that.
(oops. already crying)
For my guy friends (who I get made fun of for texting all the time... haha... no shame!), y'all are like my brothers. You are so uplifting and encouraging ALWAYS. I love when y'all ask for prayers and when you in turn pray for me as well. Thank you for being family!!
For all of my friends who I have slacked on keeping up with on a regular basis, thank you for actually understanding and not hating me for not always asking about your life. I am going to work on rebuilding those relationships, so thank y'all for hanging on with me... y'all are fabulous.
And all the few adult mentors in my life, and of course my parents!! thank y'all. Your sound advice and loving, but not judging nature, really is an inspiration to me.
**
I LOVE YOU ALL.
<3jen
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Best semester of my life
And I don't say that jokingly.
Sure, I have had some absolutely horrible moments and days and weeks... But the good has sooooo far outweighed that.
(I'm actually sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks just remembering it all...)
But I honestly think that the biggest factor of this amazing semester was God... The things He has done in my life, our relationship I am working on, the people He has blessed me with, the things I've become a part of, the opportunities I have had... It's been a crazy whirlwind of a semester and I don't think anything really could have made it better.
My two favorite moments this semester are as follows:
My very close second favorite thing about this semester was the amazing best friend that God blessed me with. I have been praying ever since senior year of highschool to meet that one person who would be there for me and help me keep God as the focus of my life, and in turn me learn to love God through loving them. Throughout my couple semesters here, I have developed good friendships with some, and great ones with others, but I never had that one friend who I could tell all and be told all... Until September 13(ish), when I met Katie. I'm not going to bore the world with all of our crazy stories and adventures and inside jokes and late nights, but know that this girl has helped me through so much this semester and it just blows my mind how much she still cares about me even though she knows all my crap. Through her, I have come to a realization of how much God loves me. Unconditionally. And for all the support and love and time and effort and frustration and texts and hope and encouragement that has come about from this friendship, I thank my God daily. Katie, you are the best human I know. ;) thank you for letting me be your bestie.
But my most favorite moment (helped along by Katie and our church's [church of the highlands] college minister of course) was realizing that God actually can and wants to heal me. It's not something I have to earn, not something I can work towards, but a revelation of who He is and a relationship with Him that will change everything. He broke me this semester, and because of that I can feel strength rising up in my bones. I have God on my side, who can be against me?
***
So while this semester draws to a close, may I keep focused on what amazing things God has in store for the next few years of my life. May I learn well so I can love much. May each semester be considered "the best year yet!"
<3jen
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
what if...
What if I am the reason that I have not gotten 100% healed?
What if it's because I don't really want to be healed?
What if I am never healed because I don't accept how to be healed?
What if God actually can't help me because I won't let Him?
What if it's all because I can't fully trust God with every piece of crap in my life?
What if it's because I don't really want to be healed?
What if I am never healed because I don't accept how to be healed?
What if God actually can't help me because I won't let Him?
What if it's all because I can't fully trust God with every piece of crap in my life?
What if God gets so tired of me doing the same things over and over that He will be too sick of me to help?
I'm just a frustrating problem sometimes, I know.
oh well.
<3jen
I'm just a frustrating problem sometimes, I know.
oh well.
<3jen
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