Different... But good.

Tonight has been a different sort of night... 

I've discovered things about myself that I hadn't realized before... I talked to people I haven't truly spoken with in years... I actually feel a bit of hope for my struggle with selfishness. 

God was moving tonight. I could (and can still) feel it. 

<3jen

70 times 7

I know we're supposed to forgive people 70 times seven times... But does this really mean we need to go on like this isn't the 490th time they've hurt us? 

Struggling with this today. 

<3jen

Name-saying

I love when people use my name in a conversation or when they're saying goodbye or anytime really! 

Saying "Hello Jen!" in a text means so much to me. 

I may be the only person in the world who feels this way, but oh well. It's special. 

Now, I'm off to practice my name-saying skills. :)

<3jen

Tears

My friends always laugh at how much I cry nowadays. Not in a mean sort of way, but I'm definitely a crybaby now. 

What's so funny to me is how different it is than how I used to be. 

I never cried. In public, at least. I went at least three years without even shedding a tear in front of anyone. I never spoke about my emotions to anyone, definitely not showing them except for when it was socially acceptable. 

God's really worked a wonder in me. It's really quite amazing how much I've changed. 

<3jen

Not a loser, but a lover

Every time I feel like a failure, I need to remember all my friends who have a much worse life than me. Who have flunked out of school because of their drug addictions or pregnancies or whatever. Not to make myself feel better because I have it more together than them, but because I need to realize how blessed I am. How I need to snap out of whatever sorts I'm in, use my blessed life, and reach out to them! There is always someone worse off than me... Someone I can show God's love to. 

I need to remember this. 

<3jen

Struggle day

Today has been a struggle day. And I don't really know why... All I did today was read, work out, take pictures, and be lazy. But Satan was working hard to kill my positiveness. 

I have an interview tomorrow morning at a preschool/daycare for a part-time summer hire. At least I hope it's part-time. All these last minute worries are choking me down. 

I just want everyone to be proud of me. And like me. And want to be around me! I spend more time with people here then I did at school, but it's mainly family.. Those who are forced to love me. 

I've gotta get out of this hole of self-pity and be the beautiful, friendly girl God made me. It's just so dang hard sometimes. 

<3jen

It's good.

It's good to be back. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being away at college and being on my own and living the life... But nevertheless, it's good to be back in my hometown surrounded by family and the friends I've grown up with. Sure, I've already had like three fights with my mom. But ya know, even that isn't too terrible. It's just so relieving to be able to be myself around my friends and not having to worry about what they are thinking or saying about me. If I could just take those friends and put them in my church back at auburn, life would be absolutely perfect. :)

So in all this, praise The Lord it's summer! 

<3jen

Moving up

Well, I'm moving up in the realm of my extended family... I'm no longer "J the baby cousin", but "J the photographer." I guess that's a good improvement. :) it may be all I'm good for sometimes, but at least I'm growing up in their eyes. 👍

<3jen

Pouty pants pro

So there I stood in church, pouting because no one had said a word to me besides "excuse me" when they crawled over me.

I felt invisible, worthless.

We started singing, and of course I started crying when the words sang about how faithful God is, how he's always there for us. But this wasn't really unusual. I always cry during worship. Then I go back to pouting because no one talks to me.

But tonight was different.

A older black gentleman put his stuff down in the seat next to mine and stood there sipping his coffee while the rest of the room was worshipping. Me, pouting and crying, didn't really think anything of him.... Until we sat down and I felt God tugging on me to talk to him, or since we didn't have our usual 15 seconds of meet and greet, to at least smile at him. So I did.

But that tugging feeling didn't go away.

I was scribbling notes when the man leaned over and asked me if I had any spare paper. I of course didn't, but instead, i got up (in the middle of the service, mind you) and went and got him a piece of paper. Surely then God would get off my back and let me go back to listening and pouting.

But He didn't. And I didn't go back to pouting. Something changed.

I remember what my dad always used to tell me: to make a friend, you have to be a friend. And then it hit me. I shouldn't be so preoccupied about no one talking to me when I'm not doing the talking either!

But I digress.

So after the service was over, I introduced myself to Dennis and we got to talking. He explained a bit of his life story and how he hasn't been to church lately, but wants the Holy Spirit to keep him going like it used to. So God poked me again and I asked Dennis if I could pray for him. And he said yes (really, I've never met anyone who's been extremely opposed to anyone praying for them). So there we stood, my little white college girl self putting my hand on this tall scruffy black man praying to God for healing and strength.

I don't think Dennis was the only one touched by God tonight.

My little pouty self got a revelation. Going to church isn't at all about me singing beautifully and getting compliments, or me getting something out of the sermon, or me having a good song verse to tweet about... But the whole point is to worship God through loving everyone else. And in doing so, you too will be blessed.

***

Random deep musing of the day. These have been coming a lot lately. I guess this end of the semester has left me with a lot to think about.

<3jen