what happened?

sometimes i want to say that “no one told me life was going to be this hard!!”. then. i realize that they did. but me, in my pride, told myself that i could do anything. and then when things got tough, i could still do anything. it was all my decision.

sometimes i wonder what has happened these past 3 months. why have i changed so much? what happened??

some might say it was the medication. others, the counseling. but i dont think it was any of those things.

it was someone telling me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. it’s NOT an option.

sure, there are some days where i still think it would be nice to just disappear, but for the most part, those days are gone. i still wish i hadn’t done some things, but the scars will just remind me of how things can get better.

im just proud of myself for making it to my 16th birthday. i never thought that would have happened. but sure enough, here i am, 4 days later. with a license, a car, and alive. never thought i’d have the strength to still be here.

yes, “getting better” is harder than i thought it would have been. to those on the outside, im completely better. i laugh more, i smile more, i’m more pleasant. and for once, it’s not a complete facade. sure, im not ALWAYS cheerful, but i am more of the time.

i’m getting there. one day i’ll be totally over this. and i can’t wait until that day.

<3jen

;)

well, gosh. i got my license. how exciting is this!?! i’m like really hyped up right now.

BUT. i guess i need to bring you an update on things before i ramble off into my own little world of licensed drivers.. haha

my counselor said that starting next week, i’m only gonna have to go to counseling every other week.. and that i’m doing good and such and such. :) my parents were quite glad to hear this. and it was kinda nice for me to hear it too. :)

well, i’d better go get the one thing of school i have for today done. it’s just so not fun to do school on your birthday. oh well. :) means i’ll get done faster for summer. :)

<3jen

Rabboni!

We sing this song at church.. not very often, but when we do, it always makes me want to cry. there is just something about the simple lyrics that mean so much that is so touching.

Read it for yourself.

You were there when the world had turned against me.
When the darkness had possessed my soul,
Your tender mercy made me whole.
When I followed You, my life was filled with meaning
From the morning to the evening.
I've seen the face of God
When I close my eyes
I can hear Your voice so clearly saying,
"Father, please forgive them,
For they know not what they do."
What good reason did they have to do
The things they did to You?
So I come once again bringing all I have to offer,
Just to find a dark and empty tomb,
Your holy frame somehow exhumed.
Then I hear someone say,
"Why are tears so freely falling?
Can't You hear the voice that's calling?
A voice that knows Your name.
Rabboni! My Teacher and my God!
You're alive and my burdens melt away.
Rabboni! Sweet Son of God Most High!
I know death has lost its power
And Your glory's here to stay.

<3jen

trust

Counseling last week, i played in the sand tray and made up my own world, with my own rules, my own time.. everyone trusted each other. and everyone had cows. (hee hee)

J still has me thinking about the future. planning things. looking forward to things…

speaking of which, my SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEEK. and i’m getting my license. and will be allowed to drive MYSELF places. BY MYSELF. so excited.

AND i’m switching dance studios for sure next semester. :D

today J said that its okay to leave me at home by myself. that’s a big improvement. they’re trusting me. ;)

trust.

thats something  i’m graually building back up. it’s kinda nice to enjoy that again.

*****

being in a good mood, drinking hot chocolate, and editing pictures. ahhh, what a wonderful evening.

<3jen

i’m tired…

… of EVERYTHING.

but, that’s no excuse to give up…… right?

im sick of all the “fake Christians”, of the hurt in the world, of distrust, of pain, and im so very tired of “good reputations”.

***

at church i’m the perfect little christian teenage girl. i go to all the classes. all the services. i know all the answers. am always happy. my life is perfect. i’ve got everything under control.

and its such a big lie.

im a “fake Christian.” and am NOT proud of it.

sometimes i just want to blurt out my whole story to everyone and explain that i’m really not who i appear to be.. but then that annoying voice in my head explains to me how stupid of an idea that is..

but honestly? what’s the point of this “good reputation”? its just making me more and more dissatisfied with church..

please tell me that i’m not the only one who feels like this.. who is so tired of keeping this “perfect” front up? maybe one day it wont be a front.. maybe it’ll be who i really am.. or at least partially. i really do want to be the best Christian that i can be.. for God’s glory..

<3jen

major decisions

college majors, that is..

tonight my family and i sat down at the kitchen table after supper and talked college stuff. we narrowed down schools (AUBURN, most definitely.. maybe Lipscomb. maybe. probably not.) and discussed classes and majors.. and all sorts of future things. it was fun thinking about my future.

which is a weird thing for me to do. cause for the past few years, i’ve HAD no future once i got past high school.

nothing.

it was gonna be THE END.

but thanks to the GOG (grace of God), it’s not the end.. i have a new beginning. i can keep going. i can keep living.

but. it still is strange to think about the future.

<3jen

landslide

well, i’ve been afraid of changing, cause i built my life around you..

around the depressed, suicidal, jenna. my whole life revolved around how i was feeling. is that so wrong? some might say no, but in order to break this loop of depression i’m gonna have to break those thoughts..

(absolutely LOVE this song.. i’ve listened to it about 300 times this past week. <3)

**

counseling on Thursdays was a “big breakthrough” as my parents might call it. i was allowed to get all my scissors, knives, and razors back.. aka, i’m getting better, according to my counselor.
a couple weeks ago she changed my diagnosis to just depressed.. not suicidal. i think it made my parents week. :)
but i have definitely enjoyed having my scissors back. for crafting purposes.. it’s hard to wrap presents without scissors.. ;)

**

so. it’s a whole new year. i’m kinda anxious to see what this year’s gonna bring. last year was terrible, so hopefully this year will be a more upbeat year..

as this year moves on,  i have three prayer requests for myself in this upcoming year.

*that i will have the desire to change. but most importantly, to desire God.

*that i will have the strength to persevere in the change. in the hard times, in the easy time. to not let up the fight.

*that i will accept grace. God’s grace. that i will realize that it’s not the end of the world if i’m not perfect.. and that His grace covers me.

**

May your 2011 be as fantabulous as you can make it. im praying for you.

<3jen