introducing: the bad mood monster

this is a little friend of mine.. we were friends for a long time. but i guess now we’re “enemies.”

he is the feeling of despair and hopelessness. the feeling of never wanting to get better. the feeling that improving is pointless and that nothing you ever do will be good enough.

blegh.

im trying to fight him really hard. but at the moment, he’s winning.

another name for the “bad mood monster” is satan. its not such a cute and cuddly name. kinda scary to think that i’m in Satan’s control..

but i’m not.. right?

*sigh*

but i can’t be rescued from Satan if i’m working with him..

its a lot to think about. to pray about.

but I will beat the “bad mood monster”.. with Jesus’ help.

Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD,
   and he will give you the desires of your heart.

*****

thanks you guys for all the sweet notes and emails and prayers.. i love y’all very much.

<3jen

11 resolutions for 2011

i do these EVERY year. and sometimes i actually follow through with them. but this year. I’m gonna learn the art of perseverance. i’m not gonna let myself down. i dont want next year to end the same way this one is.. wishing that i could start over.. no. next year, i’m gonna be proud that i made the decision to live..

so without further ado, here’s my resolutions list.

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Share my feelings. Don’t keep them bottled up. cause that’s what i’ve been doing. and it’s stupid. i maybe let things out to two or three people, but that’s not the best thing. my parents need to know, and if someone’s hurting me, that person needs to know too. hiding things from other people is stupid.

Don’t be lazy. Don’t make someone else do what you can do for yourself. humble yourself to do the dirty chores. energize yourself for something worthwhile. not like moping over your problems.

Read through the Bible in a year. but not in just any old version.. but in The Message. i want a new perspective on what i’ve read a million times.

Write letters to those who I need to forgive. because just “forgiving someone in your heart” doesn’t cut it. i need action to prove my forgiveness.. cause i have a lot that needs doling out.

Teach a Bible class. instead of complaining about what i don’t like about a class, why don’t i just take initiative and teach one myself!? with help of course.. cause pride doesn’t need to be another issue.

do I really expect a good relationship with God to fall into my lap? of course not. pray. because one-sided relationships do not work.

Persevere. don’t give up on what seems to hard.. the end justifies the means.

Get all A’s. it’s all about the attitude. good grades come with good commitment. and a good decision to do your very best.

Improve a life. i’ve ruined enough lives in 2010. i have no idea how i’m gonna improve one, but we shall see how God uses me.. no making my own paths. it’s all on Him.

Quit slacking, and exercise. i need it. Kandie needs it. don’t lax on an important responsibility.. God gave me legs for a reason..

LIVE. i mean, it’s obvious that there are some aspects that I can’t keep this resolution.. God will take me when He’s ready.. but that is not my decision to make. and I need to realize that. and simply live my life.. for Him.

*****

eleven tasks for twenty-eleven. can I do it? absolutely not..on my own at least. But God? He will help..

<3jen

a child of God

last night in class, we read 1 John 3. i’ve read these verses a million times, but i read it differently last night.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!...And this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.

we don’t deserve to be called children of God. but he lavished his love on us. how blessed are we, impure sinners, to be called children of God. how special that makes us. how special that makes ME.

***

as im sipping my hot chocolate, i’m mulling over what i want my new years resolution to be this year... i’m definitely reading through the Bible in the Message version. i want a new twist on things i’ve read over and over.. but as for my usual __-less January, I can’t decide... it seems like such a big task right now.

<3jen

counseling, session 4

Today we just talked. About trivial things - like broken fingernails and 16th birthday parties. About important things – like friends and my life. It was good to have someone to talk to that knows almost everything who doesn’t think you’re fragile or anything like that.

we also talked about what things i have been looking at to do next year. I’ve asked Mrs. B to teach a photography class and have looked at a couple new dance studios to try out for my senior year.. it’s a lot to think about.

but one thing she keeps stressing is to find things to look forward to. to make me see the good things in life. to want to live..

<3jen

You were there…

I ask where is God in all of this? All I can see is a girl who has screwed up so bad. She’s brought down those who she loves so much.. how can God be there?
As the tears are streaming down my face for the first time in years, it’s almost cleansing. It’s okay to cry, i keep telling myself. this is too hard for one girl to bear alone..
i know this will all turn out, but right now, in this moment, Satan is fighting hard. He wants me so badly.. he wants me bad.
But God, in all His sovereignty has it all planned. You are the strength when we have none.. You were, you are, and always will be. I am not alone.

a difference?

maybe.

life doesn’t seem quite so horrible anymore. all the bad seemed to outweigh the good, but now, not so much. i mean, yeah, i still don’t really WANT to live on the earth for forever, but then again, who does? and we aren’t supposed to want to live on earth. this world is not my home? yeah.. i thought so.

so i guess, yes. i can tell a difference with this medicine. not a “OH MY GOODNESS LIFE IS WONDERFUL!!” difference, but a difference enough where I feel like there's hope that my depression wont be stuck with me forever and ever amen..

*****

Holy COW, is it really four days until Christmas ALREADY?! that’s insane.. i think our whole household will rejoice when Christmas is over though.. i imagine that it’s gonna be a really tough next few days, what with missing grandparents and such.. prayers would be appreciated.

<3jen

Peace and Joy

this is stuff we usually talk about around Christmastime. nothing new. but for once, i actually am looking at this stuff as things that could possibly be mine.

in class today we talked about peace. about what peace really is. one thing the teacher said that really stuck out to me was that “peace is not just a ‘feeling.’ it’s a mindset. an attitude. the Prince of Peace lives”

then in church we broke from our usual John series (we were on week 37 of that series.. o_O haha) and talked about joy. Mr. A had a bunch of good points. “happiness and joy aren't the same thing. you can be happy and not joyful, but joy leads to happiness. joy is permanent, happiness is temporary. how do you get joy? you already have it. God gave it to you when you were saved. joy is being content in all circumstances.”

ive heard all this stuff a million times. joy and peace, blah blah blah. but today it hit me. yes, i know all the book answers, but why don’t i ever apply it to me? God gave it to ME too. its not for perfect Christians only, cause there ARE no “perfect Christians.” its for people like me who have messed up. and God still loves us. He loves ME. kinda amazing to think about..

<3jen

counseling, session 3

Julie had me write down a list of 6 roles i play in my daily life.

1. Daughter
2. Student
3. Friend
4. Sister
5. Actress
6. Dancer/student teacher

Then I had to put a name with each of the roles on the list. someone who i closely associate with that role.

i then had to imagine my college graduation in 5 years. all six of those people would be there. and they all would have something to say about me. my task was to write down what I hoped they would say. an effort for me to make goals for myself. to have a reason to keep living.

i’ll admit. it was really hard trying to think of things i wanted people to say about me. i hate being complimented. why? i said, cause i don’t believe it. i don’t want to believe it. i’ve always been afraid that if i believed that i was really whatever they said, i would be stuck up. and that’s a flaw i don’t want to have, if i can help it. then Julie explained how it is possible to not beat yourself up all the time but not be tooting your horn all the time. that’s definitely something i’m gonna be working on.. so if i start getting stuck up, please let me know. :P

Julie also has been pushing me to take up a new activity. a dance studio elsewhere, a photography class once a week, ice skating.. the possibilities are endless. and that’s my problem. i like my structured life. my “norm.” but my depression is also part of my “norm”, so to break that, my normal cycle of everyday life is gonna have to change somewhere. and that’s kinda scary. i hate change.

 

****

it’s raining. and i’m listening to Meredith Andrews. and i’m eating goldfish. and am ready to go to my best friend’s first ballet recital. you can’t get much better than this.

<3jen

the reason why

the last time i had a personal blog, i thought it screwed up my life. i talked about being suicidal and my low self-esteem. and my sister found my blog. and told my parents. who freaked out. i hated blogs from then on.
then i started journaling. and texting people. and my parents found out that I had picked a date to kill myself. and they decided to take action.

that was thanksgiving. three weeks ago.

i’ve been to three counseling sessions and have been taking medication for two weeks since then. at the moment I haven’t noticed any changes in the depression. well, i take that back. life seems a little bit brighter, not quite so terrible and pointless.

my parents have been very supportive, despite my uncooperativeness at times. and i’m very grateful that they haven’t given up on me and still love me unconditionally. Thanks, Mom & Dad. I love you.

what’s the point of this blog? to share my journey of getting better. cause I’m gonna. this depression isn’t gonna get me. i will conquer this. but prayers would be greatly appreciated.

<3jen