sometimes i want to say that “no one told me life was going to be this hard!!”. then. i realize that they did. but me, in my pride, told myself that i could do anything. and then when things got tough, i could still do anything. it was all my decision.
sometimes i wonder what has happened these past 3 months. why have i changed so much? what happened??
some might say it was the medication. others, the counseling. but i dont think it was any of those things.
it was someone telling me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. it’s NOT an option.
sure, there are some days where i still think it would be nice to just disappear, but for the most part, those days are gone. i still wish i hadn’t done some things, but the scars will just remind me of how things can get better.
im just proud of myself for making it to my 16th birthday. i never thought that would have happened. but sure enough, here i am, 4 days later. with a license, a car, and alive. never thought i’d have the strength to still be here.
yes, “getting better” is harder than i thought it would have been. to those on the outside, im completely better. i laugh more, i smile more, i’m more pleasant. and for once, it’s not a complete facade. sure, im not ALWAYS cheerful, but i am more of the time.
i’m getting there. one day i’ll be totally over this. and i can’t wait until that day.
<3jen
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